‘The Bachelorette’: Norse code

The Bachelorette
June 27, 2017

Hour one thousand six of my Week of Bachelorette (I know, I have no one to blame but myself as two of those hours were aired while I was on vacation, BUT STILL) begins with PrettyBoy Pitbull versus Racist Little Turd, Part Infinity.

PrettyBoy, having just been informed by Rachel that Racist Little Turd told her that PrettyBoy “pulled [him] out of a van,” laughs all the way back to Racist Little Turd. PrettyBoy wonders if Racist Little Turd ever feels shame, and notes that even he must feel terrible for lying to Rachel about this whole van incident.

Now, if the van incident actually happened — which we know it didn’t because PrettyBoy would have certainly been kicked off the show — you would expect Racist Little Turd to say to PrettyBoy something along the lines of “you know it happened,” or “I didn’t lie,” or “I was just being honest,” you know, something to the effect that it was a true story and they both knew it.

Instead, when confronted with his lie, Racist Little Turd lies again and claims that he didn’t tell Rachel this, WHEN WE ALL JUST WATCHED HIM DO EXACTLY THAT.

Anyway, waaaaaaay-too-long-story-short, Rachel joins them and announces that her decision boils down to who she trusts more and that person is PrettyBoy Pitbull because Racist Little Turd is a lying racist little turd. However, Rachel adds, she’s not ready to give the date rose yet, and would like to spend more time with PrettyBoy before she makes that decision.

Racist Little Turd tries to throw one more bomb in PrettyBoy’s direction, whining that before Rachel arrived, PrettyBoy was threatening him and cursing at him. Which he was! Well, the cursing part, not the threatening part, but I don’t care because that Racist Little Turd can go fuck himself.

Rachel and PrettyBoy Pitbull walk over to the waiting helicopter, but before they can get in and fly away and leave that Racist Little Turd behind them forever and ever, amen, PrettyBoy Pitbull announces that he can’t leave until he gives that Racist Little Turd one last piece of his mind and he stomps back down the hill.

GOD DAMMIT, PRETTYBOY, YOU WON. YOU’VE ALREADY TOLD RACIST LITTLE TURD THAT YOU INTEND TO “DRAG [YOUR] ASS OVER HIS GRAVE,” WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED TO ADD TO THAT?

Rachel is not pleased with this decision.

After all this, all PrettyBoy says to Racist Little Turd is some nonsense about how he believes that deep down Racist Little Turd is a good person (no, he’s not), and that he needs to try to be the person God intended him to be. And with that, PrettyBoy returns to the helicopter and they fly away and we never see Racist Little Turd again.

Goodbye, you Racist Little Turd.

You disgusted all of us.

But before we leave this storyline altogether, it’s time for my annual yelling at the ABC Promotions Department for false advertising, a storied tradition that goes back to my Lost days:

Y’all. Y’ALL. You know what you did.

You know perfectly well that you created a whole promo for this week’s episodes in which you suggest that PrettyBoy Pitbull and Racist Little Turd’s animosity towards each other becomes physical, what with PrettyBoy’s big bleeding cut over his eye and his sobbing and stomping around and Racist Little Turd talking about how he’s probably going to get punched and PrettyBoy wagging his finger in Racist Little Turd’s face and then another shot of PrettyBoy’s bleeding eye and Rachel crying and Chris Harrison the entire time is yelling about how “THE DRAMA EXPLODES” in an “EPIC 2-ON-1 BATTLE” and “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS.”

But all that actually happens is that PrettyBoy and Racist Little Turd exchange some mean words. That’s it! That’s it. And all the rest of that promo is complete bullshit. PrettyBoy’s eye is cut later in the episode in a bit of Viking cosplay; PrettyBoy is crying over missing his daughter; and Rachel is crying because she had to send some completely unrelated dude home at the rose ceremony.

Seriously, you guys are just terrible.

This concludes My Annual Yelling at ABC’s Promotional Department for False Advertising.

That evening, Rachel visits with PrettyBoy where she demands to know why he felt compelled to go back and confront Racist Little Turd one last time, and PrettyBoy explains that he didn’t want to bottle up his emotions. Rachel, understandably, worries about PrettyBoy’s ability to control his feelings, but he says some words and she’s like, “OK, here’s the rose.”

That night, PrettyBoy calls his daughter and he misses her so much that he cries and he cries and walks in the hallway and he cries and then he cries some more.

The next day is rose ceremony time and Rachel is apparently DONE with the cocktail parties altogether forever because these idjits just go straight into the line-up.

Rose #1: Kewpie
Rose #2: Eric the Good Dancer
Rose #3: Diastema
Rose #4: Golden Showers
Rose #5: Doll Daddy
Rose #6: Penguin

OH SHIT WHAT?! SHE JUST CUT MR. SERIOUS AND JOSIAH, ESQ.? I mean, yes, Josiah, Esq. had a huge target on his back after he forgot to feign even a semblance of interest in learning anything about Rachel and his whole slick routine was growing increasingly tiresome. And Mr. Serious wasn’t exactly my cup of cafe au lait as he was way too serious.

But she’s going to cut them in favor of this guy:

Like, WHO ARE YOU THOUGH?

And she’s going to cut Mr. Serious in favor of an adult human who carries a life-sized doll around with him?

OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL AROUND SOMEHOW.

But Josiah, Esq. and Mr. Serious apparently do, because they are getting on the Fly Back to the States Now plane and going home, reducing the population of Black contestants by 40%. Damn.

The next day, the group is sent to Copenhagen, Denmark which seems just lovely and much, much more interesting than Oslo. When the men arrive at their hotel, they are greeted with the first date card: “Eric the Good Dancer: I’m Copen to love.” WELL LOOK WHO GOT THEIR MOJO BACK, DATE CARD WRITER! Glad to see you back to your terrible puns!

For their date, Rachel and Eric the Good Dancer wander around Copenhagen in a boat before relaxing in a street hot tub because apparently street hot tubs are a thing in Copenhagen.

Questions:

1. What?
2. But how is this the first time any of the Bachelor series have been to Copenhagen, Land of Street Hot Tubs?
3. I mean, seriously, are there street helicopters and street tables of food that no one will eat in Copenhagen, too?

That evening they go to Tivoli Gardens, which Rachel claims is the “second most-visited amusement park in the world.” Um, no. Not even close. It is the second most-visited seasonal amusement park in the world. For amusement parks in general, it is the 24th most visited in the world, which is still pretty impressive when you consider just how dominant Disney and Universal are. And it is undeniably lovely and historic, but let’s not exaggerate its popularity.

The couple amuses themselves at the amusement park and it seems like a genuinely fun date. They then have a serious dinner in which Eric the Good Dancer says some stuff about his mother not loving him enough which is somehow his excuse for not yet having been in a grown-up relationship because it’s ALWAYS the mother’s fault. But Rachel hasn’t had children yet so she doesn’t see straight through that particular line of bullshit and offers him the rose.

Back at the hotel, the men receive the group date card: “Kewpie, PrettyBoy Pitbull, Lengua del Amor, Golden Showers, Penguin, Doll Daddy: I’ve taken a Viking to you guys.” GET IT? BECAUSE VIKING SOUNDS LIKE “LIKING?” WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN IT TO YOU…

So the men are shuttled onto a replica of a Viking ship where they row their way across a bay. Once on land, they are greeted by two guys in silly felt “Viking” costumes lackadaisically hitting one another with wooden swords, and, fortunately for them, not greeted the way their fellow Vikings were when they made landfall in American Gods.

The “Vikings” explain that the men are going to put on silly costumes themselves and then compete in a series of Viking games that involve shoving each other around inside a circle and bopping each other ove the head with fake swords.

It quickly turns violent.

Both PrettyBoy and Doll Daddy suffer facial injuries but in the end it was worth it because PrettyBoy got to put on this ridiculous outfit:

That evening at the cocktail party, this asshole is still hanging around:

God dammit.

Rachel has some generic conversations with her generic contestants. Meanwhile, PrettyBoy confesses to Penguin that he’s struggling with being away from his daughter and wondering if he really should move on in this competition. This gives Penguin an actual purpose on this show: to spend his time with Rachel relaying this information to her so that she can send PrettyBoy home gently and make him think it was his idea all along.

Which is exactly what she does. She assures him that while she wants him to stay, it would be unfair to keep him around and adds that as a daddy’s girl herself, his daughter is lucky to have him as her father.

And PrettyBoy thanks Rachel profusely and calls his daughter and tells her that he’s on his way home and he’s happy crying and I love this guy, let’s make him the next Bachelor, please. He can bring the daughter along.

Oh and Rachel gives that gap-toothed guy the date rose, the end.

Back at the hotel, the only two Black contestants left discuss their dating histories and Urkel reveals that he typically dates White women, a fact that methinks won’t go over well even though Rachel herself has three times as many White contestants as Black contestants at this point.

The next day the pair go on their date which involves taking a ferry to Sweden to spend the day in a different country which is not all that different from the one that they were just in but whatever.  They go to castles and cafes and they have absolutely nothing to say to one another.

It’s all very awkward.

That evening over “dinner,” Rachel begins asking Urkel what kind of woman he usually dates — a question I’m sure she just came up with on her own and was not fed to by producers, why would you even suggest that? Urkel answers honestly: that he usually dates White women, because that was who was around in his high school and college. Rachel, who is clearly looking for a reason to dump Urkel, protests that she grew up in a similar way to Urkel but she always managed to find Black guys to date in addition to White guys AND SHE’S JUST GOING TO HAVE TO STOP AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE IS SAYING TO HER RIGHT NOW.

That is when the show cuts to the Get the Hell Out of My Sight SUV pulling up outside, so I think we all know how this is going to go.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kewpie wonders why its OK for him to have dated White women exclusively, but not OK for Urkel to have dated White women exclusively and everyone is like, “SIIIIGH.”

Back on their doomed date, Rachel asks Urkel what type of boyfriend he is and when he tells her that he’s “passionate,” she’s like, “Oh, so you’re passionate with other ladies but you’re not passionate with me? FINE. GO DATE A WHITE GIRL. BYE.”

And then there was one Black contestant left.

The next night is another rose ceremony, and after a little preemptive crying, Rachel has the dummies line up:

Rose #1: Lengua del Amor
Rose #2: Penguin
Rose #3: Kewpie
Rose #4: Doll Daddy

Which means goodbye, Golden Showers. Take your Rubik’s Cubes and your Jamz and your purple tiger-striped suits and your ridiculous abs and you go now.

I SAID GO.

Below are the men who have been sent home:

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Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.

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The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and will never get along with the ABC Promotional Department.