‘The Bachelorette’: DeMariohnooooo

The Bachelorette
May 29, 2017

We begin this episode with Rachel at her hotel contemplating her feelings following the first night, and spending time with her injured canine companion, Copper.

I have a lot of questions:

1. Why is Copper the first companion animal allowed on this show?
2. Is Rachel the first Bachelorette/Bachelor to have a dog?
3. Obviously not, so why is this the first time a Bachelorette/Bachelor has brought along their dog?
4. What happens to Copper when the show moves out of L.A.?
5. Will Copper be traveling internationally?
6. Does Copper have a passport?
7. But most importantly, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO COPPER’S LEG? Why is Copper’s leg in that little doggie cast? Something clearly happened to Copper, but no one is explaining what happened to Copper. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO COPPER? WHO DID THIS TO YOU COPPER?

#TruthAboutCopper

Over at the McMANsion, Chris Harrison meets with the men to let them know that they will have two group dates, one 1-on-1 before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

“Kewpie, JACK STONE!, Tickle Monster, Drummer Boy, No Socks, Pretty Boy Pitbull, Old Classmate, Whaboom: I’m looking for husband material. –Rachel.”

The men are taken to some park somewhere, where Rachel is grilling burgers and there’s a keg and a game of football breaks out because if a group of seven or more heterosexual men converge (the collective noun for a group of heterosexual men being a dongle, obviously), a football materializes out of thin air, that’s just science.

Meanwhile, Drummer Boy is still seething about Whaboom: he knows the real Whaboom, the real Whaboom is “garbage.” Which, yeah, that’s how a solid 25% of the cast was chosen, dude.

Rachel then introduces the second part of the date: a husband-material obstacle course overseen by Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis for some unfathomable reason. They’re fans of the show? OK. Makes sense. (It does not make sense.)

Anyway, the obstacle course requires the men to:

1. Change a dirty diaper on a doll
2. Put the changed doll into a baby bjorn
3. Vacuum in a straight line
4. Pull out a “hair” clog from a sink
5. Pull out a giant fake diamond ring from a kitchen sink
6. Set a dining room table

This is just a very interesting glimpse into the American psyche. Apparently yanking comically large things out of drains and being able to put a fork in the right place on a table makes one “husband material.” Keep up those high standards, everyone.

So the men run the obstacle course, and despite drowning his baby several times and stiff-arming Pretty Boy Pitbull, Whaboom manages to win this thing to everyone’s chagrin/irritation. He spikes the baby doll in celebration and then bullies Ashton Kutcher into “whabooming” with him, because in single person, Whaboom represents everything wrong with white guys.

As a result of winning the unclogging contest, Whaboom is granted some alone time with Rachel which she gets over with as quickly as possible at the cocktail portion of the date. There, Whaboom reads an astonishingly sincere poem that he wrote for her. All you need to know about it is that he rhymes “smile” with “entile,” which is not a word.

Rachel also chats with the other men, it is very boring, they are very boring, she is very bored.

Meanwhile, Drummer Boy continues to fume that Whaboom is even here. Drummer Boy informs the other men that he knows Whaboom in real life and the only reason Whaboom is here is to promote “whaboom.” Drummer Boy then takes this information to Rachel, explaining that Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend is his roommate, and that he knows for a fact that Whaboom is a clown who is on the show solely for self-promotion. This however fails to shock Rachel because it is the most obvious thing in the entire world.

Drummer Boy then returns to the dongle and announces to Whaboom that he has laid bare the truth about Whaboom to Rachel, that Whaboom is only here to promote “[his] whaboom.” As my beloved Bobby pointed out in a message to me this morning:

YOU’RE JUST HERE TO PROMOTE A WHABOOM

not even a whaboom

your whaboom

unique from all other whabooms

WHAT THE HELL IS A WHABOOM AND HOW DOES WHABOOM INTEND TO MAKE MONEY FROM WHABOOM WHEN WHABOOM IS BASICALLY JUST YELLING “WHAAAAAABOOOOOOOOM”?

Also the phrase “right reasons” is thrown around about 87 times, so that’s great.

Anyway, Rachel gives Kewpie the date rose because he’s cute.

Back at the McMANsion, the next date card is delivered: “Plaid Jacket: I’m looking for my best friend …”

The next day Rachel and Plaid Jacket head to an airstrip where a private plane is waiting to take them and Copper to Palm Springs for the day. And after making this big show of Copper arriving in his own limo and limping his way over to Rachel and onto the plane, THEY STILL DON’T TELL US WHAT HAPPENED TO COPPER.

#TruthAboutCopper

The trio fly to Palm Springs where they go to a dog pool party at some hotel. At dinner, Rachel and Plaid Jacket talk about going to therapy and  how they both have giant gaps in their front teeth, and because that’s pretty much all they have to say to one another, I hereby change Plaid Jacket’s name to Diastema. It is known.

Oh, and Rachel offers him the date rose, Diastema accepts it, everyone seems to think he’s going to be the winner this season, are we done here? No? UGH. FINE. BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO COPPER? ARE WE REALLY GOING TO END THIS DATE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO COPPER?

#TRUTHABOUTCOPPER

Back at the McMANsion, the final date card is delivered: “Urkel; Mike Pence; Diggy; Vacuum; Doll Daddy; That Singing Guy; Penguin; Eric the Good Dancer; Josiah, Esq.; DeMario: Swish.”

So obviously they are going to be in a Katy Perry video mocking Taylor Swift, the men doing their best Backpack Kid so as to win the date. Obviously.

Obviously.

Except NO. Except it is SO MUCH MORE BORING THAN THAT: It’s a basketball game with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar standing around judging them.

So the dongle practice basketball for a while, DeMario in particular showing off for Rachel and making the questionable choice of dunking on her. But she digs his confidence, and is openly flirting with him.

Abdul-Jabbar sends the men to the locker room to go change into uniforms as they are going to play a game in front of a crowd for optimal humiliation. AND GOD DAMMIT, SOMEONE BROUGHT THAT DEMON DOLL ALONG. AND OH MY CHRIST, WHAT HAPPENED TO ITS FACE?

Are we going to be doing this all season? Is this going to be a thing all season long? MOMMA NEEDS MORE BOX WINE.

Anyway, sportsballing happens, yay sports.

After the game, the men return to the locker room, and Rachel busies herself talking to the fans, including one young lady, Lexi, who informs Rachel that as of a couple of weeks ago, DeMario had been her boyfriend. In fact, they never broke up, he just up and disappeared on her, so imagine her surprise when she turned on the “After the Final Rose” special and saw DeMario sauntering across the stage talking about how he wanted to marry Rachel. OOH, PRODUCERS, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. Y’ALL ARE GOOD.

Rachel is hella pissed and storms into the locker room, looking for DeMario. DeMario and the men all assume that Rachel is about to give him the date rose, so it is a pretty amazing moment when DeMario turns the corner and sees his ex standing there. “OOOOH,” DeMario gasps before trying and failing to save face by asking “who’s this?”

So DeMario tries to claim that yes, Lexi is someone he knows, but she’s a psycho! and they stopped talking a while ago! and this is his “personal life stuff”! All of which goes over with Rachel as well as one might expect. Lexi points out that the last time he was in her house he was “fucking [her]” and DeMario looks as though he might just vomit right there on the basketball court.

Rachel asks DeMario when he cut it off with Lexi, and DeMario, who clearly has never been in an argument with an attorney, mumbles something about keeping in communication with Lexi for reasons. “NO, BITCH, YOU NEED TO BE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHEN YOU BROKE UP,” replies Rachel. And that’s when Lexi offers up her phone to show Rachel the most recent text messages from DeMario, none of which sound like correspondence from an ex.

Rachel is not pleased and demands that DeMario “get the fuck out.”

And with that, DeMario is sent to the Get the Fuck Out van where he complains that his character is being impugned. OK, dude, bye.

Rachel then goes into the locker room where she explains to the other men what happened with DeMario, and demands that if any the rest of them have some secret white girl hidden somewhere THEY BETTER TELL HER ABOUT IT. NOW. DON’T TEST HER.

That evening, Rachel and the dongle go to some strange bar with a giant fake Redwood in the center of it. But why?

There, the men assure her that they do not have some skinny white girl stashed away, ready to ambush her with romantic texts and that DeMario was a jerk for what he did to her.

There are a lot of bearded dudes I can’t keep straight.

And there is a lot of kissing. But worse! there are so many way-too-loud kissing noises.

Rachel gives Josiah, Esq. the rose, because whatever, whoever, nothing matters, everything is a lie, let’s just end this date already.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Rachel arrives in her best superhero costume BECAUSE SHE IS NOT HERE TO TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYONE. She greets the men and assures them that she is being positive, so let’s go.

Rachel takes El Lengua del Amor outside for una chat privado. She assures him that even though he was not brought on a date this week, she’s got her ojo on him. In return, he breaks out his mesa de quiropráctica, and gives her a massage.

But outside the McMANsion is where the real drama is happening: because who should show up in his suit, as if he has ANY BUSINESS AT ALL BEING THERE, but DeMario. The security guards agree to call Chris Harrison who agrees to tell Rachel that he’s there. Chris Harrison then interrupts Rachel’s boring conversation with Old Classmate to let her know that DeMario is back. Rachel’s like, “OH REALLY. WELL, LET’S GO FIND OUT WHAT THIS ASSHOLE HAS TO SAY FOR HIMSELF,” as she stomps out to the Driveway of Despair, trailed by the rest of the men.

But we’ll have to hold off on DeMario’s second humiliation until next week as we receive the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED title card.

Below are the men who have been sent packing:

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Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.

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The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and has the texts to prove it.