‘The Bachelor’: Swimming with sharks

The Bachelor
February 13, 2017

So, This Asshole.

This Asshole, after sending one woman home because he realized that her ample assets were all she had to offer and that he wouldn’t be able to make conversation with said ample assets for the next 50 years of his life, This Asshole right here goes barging into the women’s house, announces that he is having an existential crisis, bursts into tears, says that he’s not sure if he wants to keep doing this, and runs out of the room like a little bitch, leaving the women unsure if they are all about to be put onto planes and sent home.

So while the women mentally begin wondering where they left their sunscreen and bikini tops in case they only have a few minutes to pack, Chris Harrison has a little chat with This Asshole that essentially amounts to Chris Harrison telling him to STOP BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE. CHRIST.

Eventually, This Asshole returns to the women, tells them that he just needed some Feelings Time, but he’s OK now, and since he’s eliminated practically all of the cast, they are just going to skip the Rose Ceremony and cocktail party and head straight to their next location: Bimini, a collection of tiny islands that total a whopping 9 square miles, so good luck escaping each other, every one!

Once in Bimini, the first date card arrives: “Valencia, let’s go deeper… This Asshole.” And CorWin who was looking forward to her first one-on-one which she was pretty sure would include “a boat ride, sushi, roses, candles…” finds herself frustrated that This Asshole wants to get to know Valencia on a deeper emotional level.

Except, ha, no, the date card was meant to be read literally, as in “Valencia, let’s go snorkeling but not scuba diving because we don’t have time to get certified before this date.” And so they do and it’s exactly what you think it is:

At dinner, Valencia overplays her hand and tells This Asshole that she’s falling in love with him. This Asshole’s response:

Valencia is not impressed.

Back at the house, CorWin is busily talking shit about how Valencia has nothing to offer other than talking about being a teacher and pasta, and clearly this little blonde bitch right here has never spent much time with an Italian woman BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD WE WILL CUT YOU and also, too, WHAT’S WRONG WITH WANTING TO TALK ABOUT PASTA ALL DAY?

The next date card arrives: “CorWin, Olya, and SOOEY!: Let’s jump in both feet first … This Asshole.” Which means that either Rachel J.D. or Nurse Boring are goingt to have one-on-one dates, an assumption everyone jumps to instead of “so Rachel J.D. and Nurse Boring are going on a two-on-one” for reasons I do not understand considering we’ve had multiple two-on-ones already, but sure. And I guess what I’m saying is that as much as I might complain about Chris Harrison explaining to us each week what the dates will be as though we’re a bunch of idiots, it turns out I might be an idiot and I might need Chris Harrison to explain the dates to me. In any event, this group date is the only date of the week that has a rose and whoever wins that rose automatically moves on to the Hated Hometowns.

The next day the foursome hop on a boat, the women strip down to their bikinis, boobs are everywhere, sunscreen is liberally rubbed, before This Asshole reveals what they are really doing on this date: diving with sharks, which might as well be the alternative title for this entire season.

Swimming with sharks, swimming with sharks, swimming with sharks. Unfortunately, no one is eaten.

However, Olya has a panic attack because MOTHERFUCKING SHARKS, and returns to the boat where This Asshole comforts her while CorWin looks on with undisguised hatred.

That evening at the cocktail party, This Asshole asks to speak to Olya first, where HE STARTS CRYING, AGAIN, ABOUT SENDING BOOBS MCGEE HOME. And this right here, if any of these women had any integrity or self-worth, this would be the moment they would call Chris Harrison over and ask for that plane ticket home because SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN CRYING ABOUT, DUDE?

But she stays and CorWin stays and SOOEY! stays and somehow SOOEY! receives the date rose which means we’re going to rural Arkansas next week, yay.

The next date card reads: “Nurse Boring: Let’s ride off into the sunset together … This Asshole.” And by “ride off into the sunset,” he actually meant, “let’s ride bikes up and down this driveway that the Producers found, ruin some kids’ basketball game and then drink a beer.” During this boring as Hell date, they have a scintillating conversation: “Look, shells.” “Mmm-hmm, those are shells.”

But it’s when Nurse Boring starts talking about what he could anticipate from a Hated Hometown in Wisconsin that you can see the dread begin to sink in, deep behind the eyes, and This Asshole is like, “You know what, you’re a pretty girl, but oh my God you are so boring, it’s conversations like this that made me leave Wisconsin in the first place, how about you just go already, bye.”

Goodbye, Nurse Boring. I am sure you are just as sweet as the other women say but OH MY GOD, find something to talk about, girl. Tell gross nursing stories! Buy a book of jokes and memorize some of them! FIND SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.

Back at the house, Rachel J.D. receives the last date card before hometowns (“Rachel J.D.: Let’s get a taste of the  local flavor … This Asshole” — did they just straight-up fire the person who used to write the clever punny date cards?).

Meanwhile, furious that she did not have a one-on-one date, CorWin decides to arrange her own private time in This Asshole’s pants, and sneaks over to his villa that evening. Framing it as being “concerned” for him, what with all these women he is sending home right and left, she shoves his way into his villa with her “heart of gold” and “vagine of platinum,” see above.

However, despite luring him into the bedroom, This Asshole, having learned from previous seasons and his own awful record, chooses to not appreciate her “vagine” and its platinumness, and suggests that she please return her vagine to its own bed for the evening, good night.

The next day, Rachel J.D. and This Asshole’s entire date consists of them having lunch at some local joint — because this island is stupid small and there is only so much they can do — where Rachel J.D. reveals that she’s never brought a white boy home to her parents before. And This Asshole is who you want to be your first?

On behalf of white people everywhere, I preemptively apologize, Judge and Mrs. Lindsay.

Meanwhile, back at the house, CorWin is, in her own words, “spinning out of control,” worrying that she is going to be eliminated in the next Rose Ceremony after trying to shove her “platinum vagine” on This Asshole before he was ready.

After Rachel J.D. returns safely from her all-too-brief date without having been unceremoniously dumped, CorWin REALLY begins to freak out that she is going to be eliminated in that evening’s Rose Ceremony. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison and This Asshole have a conversation about how This Asshole knows who he wants to send home and how he doesn’t want to do it in a Rose Ceremony because he has a “certain kind of love” for her and THIS ASSHOLE IS CRYING AGAIN? WHY IS THIS ASSHOLE CRYING AGAIN?

And they do their level best to make it seem like he’s talking about sending CorWin home but of course he’s not sending CorWin home, he’s sending Olya Povlatsky home. Now that he’s made her share her tragic childhood backstory with America, he doesn’t have much use for her anymore.

Olya is not impressed.

Goodbye, Olya, and don’t be mad. Remember, you didn’t escape a life eating Russian lipstick to spend the rest of your days with a weepy, mumbling Asshole.

And THEN This Asshole leaves without talking to the other women and wihtout conducting a Rose Ceremony, leaving them all in a complete state of panic that he’s going to send more people home before the Hated Hometowns. However, I’ve seen the pictures on the ABC media site and I’m here to reassure everyone — SINCE THIS ASSHOLE CAN’T BE BOTHERED — that they will all have the opportunity to bring This Asshole home to meet their appalled parents.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:

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And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:

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The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and really should have been eaten by a shark.