‘The Bachelor’: In which This Asshole acts like a stupid bitch.

The Bachelor
February 6, 2017

Last we left This Asshole and CorWin, their weird dinner in a haunted church was interrupted by Taylor with the Smart Friends, and she has got something to say: namely, CorWin IS A LYING LIAR WHO LIES and she would like to discuss this with This Asshole outside.

The two go outside where Taylor with the Smart Friends explains that CorWin lied about her being a bully and calling CorWin stupid and if that’s why he sent her home, he was manipulated.

But This Asshole is like, “Dude, I know you didn’t bully her. I didn’t send you home because of that, I sent you home because she rubbed her boobies all over me in the pool that one time and then dry humped me in a bouncy castle, duh.” And then he sends Taylor with the Smart Friends back to her smart friends in Seattle, for reals this time. Girl, go home and date someone worthy of all those brains AND I BETTER NOT SEE YOUR ASS ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

And then we’re off to the Rose Ceremony at some other plantation house (I think it’s Oak Alley, but it’s hard to say, and also, who really cares?), but guess what, suckers: no cocktail party, This Asshole already knows who he’s kicking out of the harem. So line up.

Rose #1: Olya Povlatsky
Rose #2: SOOEY!
Rose #3: Valencia
Rose #4: Boobs McGee
Rose #5: Warrior Dancer
Rose #6: That Whitney Lady

Goodbye, Ballsy. I liked you, you were Ballsy, and thanks to your bisexual past, I am pretty sure I’ll see you again over in Paradise. And goodbye, Hot Dog and Left Shark. You two were wacky, but not quite wacky enough for The Producers to keep around. Maybe you should have kept the shark costume — YES, SHARK, NOT DOLPHIN — in the outfit rotation, Left Shark, it might have helped you get noticed.

But like an object dangled in front of a baby who has not yet developed object permanence, they are forgotten moments later when This Asshole announces that they are off to their next romantic destination: St. Thomas. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DRINK ALL THE CHAMPAGNE IN THE PLANTATION WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT A PROBLEMATIC LOCATION TO BE FILMING IN WITH THE TWO LONGEST-LASTING AFRICAN-AMERICAN CONTESTANTS EVER ON THIS SHOW! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

In St. Thomas, the women are put up in a fancy house that comes complete with a housekeeper to cater to CorWin’s every spoiled whim, which, again, is not problematic in the least.

The women are herded onto a pier to await This Asshole’s arrival via sea plane, and we are reminded that That Whitney Lady, Warrior Dancer and Olya Povlatsky are the only women remaining who have not received a one-on-one date at this point, and our Warrior Dancer IS NOT COOL ABOUT IT AT ALL.

This Asshole lands and announces that the first date, begins now: would Olya Povlatsky please join him on a boring as hell one-on-one in which he will grill her about her past and open up deep emotional scars on national television?

Olya agrees, Warrior Dancer cries, That Whitney Lady remains completely neutral because her programming does not allow her to actually feel real emotions, she doesn’t even have reveries yet.

And I would tell you about This Asshole and Olya’s date, but there’s nothing really to it: they go swimming, they go to dinner, the end. During the date, This Asshole keeps pressing Olya to talk about her past. Though it is clearly something that makes her uncomfortable, at dinner Olya finally tells her heartbreaking, not-even-Kate-McKinnon-on-Saturday-Night-Live-could-make-this-shit-up-this-is-something-out-of-a-Grimm-fairytale-and-not-a-whitewashed-Disney-version story:

She was born in Russia where she lived with her mother in a small village, and they were terribly poor. One day when Olya was five or six, her mother announced that she was leaving for the entire day so as to find food, and she ordered Olya to not eat anything while she was gone. However, Olya grew hungry and since there was literally no food in the house, she ate one of her mother’s lipsticks. When her mother returned home, she asked Olya if she followed her instructions, and Olya confessed to eating the lipstick. Olya’s mother was so angry she screamed at Olya to leave, and Olya took her literally.

Within  a couple of weeks, Olya was in a Russian orphanage where she lived for seven years, until she was adopted by an American family. But because the other children in the orphanage were the only family she knew, she was hesitant to go to her new life. However, one of her teachers explained that this was basically her one shot at a better life: most girls who grow up in the orphanages who aren’t adopted become prostitutes. So, OLya left for America, and though she still misses her fellow orphans, she says that her life in Russia is in “black and white” while her life in America is in “color.” Oh, and in addition to her adopted brothers in sisters in America, she also has a sister still in Russia who grew with their father with whom she stays in contact.

Her story makes This Asshole cry BECAUSE WHAT DOESN’T MAKE THIS ASSHOLE CRY and he offers her the date rose. She does not eat it.

And this is all very sad, and Olya is very inspirational and the story of what so many people endure before coming to this country is an particularly important one to tell especially at this moment in history.

But.

• If there was no food in the house, why would Olya’s mother make this weird rule that she couldn’t eat anything all day?
• Why would she be angry at Olya for breaking this rule?
• Who gets mad at a starving five-year-old for eating something, even if it is lipstick?
• Who screams at a five-year-old to leave their house?
• And then doesn’t stop the five-year-old when they leave?
• How did Olya survive for two weeks before she moved into the orphanage?
• How did she find her way to the orphanage?
• Why didn’t her mother retrieve her from the orphanage?
• Or her father?
• In fact, why wasn’t she living with her father the entire time?
• WHAT EVEN IS THIS STORY?

Back at the house, the women receive the next date card: “Love’s a beach: Rachel J.D., SOOEY!, Valencia, CorWin, Nurse Boring, and Warrior Dancer.”

1. This infuriates our dancing warrior, who was still pretty sure she was going to receive a one-on-one date this week, and
2. Boobs McGee and That Whitney Lady realize this means they are probably on a two-on-one date. Boobs McGee FREAKS OUT that she is on the chopping block, SHE THOUGHT THEY HAD A RELATIONSHIP!!! Meanwhile, That Whitney Lady slips into Analysis Mode.

So, the group date. It starts off on such a positive note: everyone piles onto a catamaran where This Asshole fires out empty questions at the women: Christmas or Halloween? Chocolate or Vanilla? A four year certificate deposit with a annual percentage yield of 1% or a high-yield savings account for the same period of time? Fun!

They arrive at some beach where This Asshole announces that they will be playing volleyball, and the general mood, it sours. CorWin gets HELLA drunk and stumbles around aimlessly.

Warrior Dancer gets HELLA drunk and shoves CorWin to the ground at one point.

Valencia gets not as drunk but becomes fed up.

[booze + sun * competition]/multiple women = tears

This Asshole realizes that this “fun beach day!” has turned into an unmitigated disaster, and uses the remainder of the date to spend a little alone time with each of the women. However, he fails to ask Warrior Dancer to speak with him first, or second, or even fifth, which causes Warrior Dancer to drink more and more and more and begin talking about how much she wants to punch him in his dumb crybaby face.

Once Warrior Dancer finally has her time with This Asshole, she expresses her frustration that she has not received a one-on-one date and worries that she is being overlooked. She goes on to explain that when the other women return from their one-on-one dates they are “different people,” and she was hoping to experience that herself. And all of that is fine and fair and reasonable.

But then, frustrated and exhausted, Warrior grabs for This Asshole’s throat, while growling, “I want to choke you so bad.”

As This Asshole recoils, Warrior keeps grabbing for his throat, while saying she wants to put him in a “chokey…”

… and wondering that he’s never had a girl put him in a “chokey” before.

Finally, This Asshole is like, “Alright, that’s enough. Time for you to go home, you lunatic,” and he shoves her into the Go-Away-Now-Before-You-Actually-Kill-Me Van.

Goodbye, Warrior Dancer. I actually felt you showed immense restraint by waiting until the sixth week before trying to choke a bitch out.

Oh, and SOOEY! receives the date rose probably because she didn’t try to strangle This Asshole.

Finally, the dreaded two-on-one date with Boobs McGee and Dolores That Whitney Lady. The threesome are flown via helicopter to some remote beach that has been outfitted with a beach bed, obviously. There, This Asshole has the most boring and superficial conversations with both women until he is like, “Guh. I guess I’ll send That Whitney Lady home because the whole uncanny valley thing is starting to freak me out.” And This Asshole and Boobs McGee leave the scene so hastily, he doesn’t even put a shirt on before climbing into the helicopter.

What.

But don’t worry about That Whitney Lady. Felix and Sylvester will reprogram her and she’ll never remember any of this ever happened.

This Asshole and Boobs McGee have dinner at some … building. A prison? An old prison? Let’s say that it’s an old prison. There, Boobs babbles about their first date and dancing and accidentally flashing the band which, considering she barely had those babies contained in the first place, is hardly a surprise:

Boobs continues burbling about how social and outgoing This Asshole is …

and something about family and friends, I don’t know, it’s all meaningless blather, and This Asshole eventually interrupts it to ask what one or two words describe the relationship she wants. “Love and trust,” she answers, pleased with herself. This Asshole responds that his two words are “adventurous and raw” and that he wants to be in a relationship where he can be his true self. So, a relationship in which he can be petty and mumbly. Got it.

It’s when Boobs McGee begins yammering about how she feels like they “are on the same page right now” and how she’s falling in love and is “looking forward to see what happens in the future” between them that This Asshole realizes that he’s taken this joke as far as it is going to go and is like:

Goodbye, Boobs McGee. You’re a lovely girl and you seem very sweet and I am not here to slut shame you so I am not going to tell you that if don’t want to flash random soft country bands in the future, you should rethink your wardrobe choices.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the women watch as BOTH suitcases are dragged out into the hallway. The women:

This Asshole, he then comes barging into their room without knocking, and, crying, because ALWAYS WITH THE CRYING, is like, “I SENT BOTH OF YOUR FRIENDS HOME AND I AM IN A WEIRD PLACE AND THIS IS A NEW LOW AND I AM TERRIFIED THAT NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO WORK OUT AND I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN KEEP DOING THIS OK GOODBYE.” And on that inconclusive, infuriating note, This Asshole leaves in a weepy, self-pitying huff. Meanwhile, the women:

AND HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU ASSHOLE, MAYBE YOU’RE RIGHT. MAYBE THIS ISN’T WORKING. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE, SEEING AS YOU DON’T HAVE SUCH A GREAT TRACK RECORD WITH IT. AND I’LL GO EVEN FURTHER, MAYBE LIKE KELLY AND MARK SAID THIS MORNING, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE YOUR PARTNERS DREDGE UP PAINFUL MEMORIES, COMPETE DUMB AND UNNECESSARY “GAMES” TO TRY TO WIN YOUR ATTENTION AND FIELD QUESTIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT THEY WILL NEVER EVER ANSWER TO YOUR SATISFACTION. MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST STAY SINGLE, ASSHOLE, AND QUIT DRAGGING ALL THESE WOMEN INTO YOUR OWN PERSONAL PITY PARTY.

OH AND STOP IT WITH ALL THE CRYING. YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A STUPID BITCH.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:

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And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:

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The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and has got to pull itself together.