Welp, we’re in the shit now.

Alternative Facts.

I want to start with “alternative facts.” If you have not yet watched Kellyanne Conway’s interview with Chuck Todd on Meet the Press, you need to. It’s alarming to say the least:

Some context in case you managed to somehow hide from everything that happened this weekend: Donald Trump’s inauguration was not as well attended as Barack Obama’s 2009 inauguration (and probably not his 2013 inauguration, either, to be honest), a fact that is blatantly obvious if you have eyeballs.

And the media reported it, because that’s what the media does: report facts.

However, the petulant baby that we inexplicably elected as President was SO MAD that he is not as popular as our historic first African-American President, and even angrier that the Women’s March that took place the next day was so much better attended than his event:

… that he started just lying all over the place.

On Saturday, Trump headed to the CIA headquarters to speak to the people he had just 10 days earlier compared to Nazis:

… to try to make nice. There, in front of a memorial wall for fallen agents — agents he insulted — he said this while his claque applauded:

And the reason you’re my first stop is that, as you know, I have a running war with the media. They are among the most dishonest human beings on Earth. (Laughter and applause.) And they sort of made it sound like I had a feud with the intelligence community. And I just want to let you know, the reason you’re the number-one stop is exactly the opposite — exactly. And they understand that, too.

We did a thing yesterday at the speech. Did everybody like the speech? (Applause.) I’ve been given good reviews. But we had a massive field of people. You saw them. Packed. I get up this morning, I turn on one of the networks, and they show an empty field. I say, wait a minute, I made a speech. I looked out, the field was — it looked like a million, million and a half people. They showed a field where there were practically nobody standing there. And they said, Donald Trump did not draw well. I said, it was almost raining, the rain should have scared them away, but God looked down and he said, we’re not going to let it rain on your speech.

In fact, when I first started, I said, oh, no. The first line, I got hit by a couple of drops. And I said, oh, this is too bad, but we’ll go right through it. But the truth is that it stopped immediately. It was amazing. And then it became really sunny. And then I walked off and it poured right after I left. It poured. But, you know, we have something that’s amazing because we had — it looked — honestly, it looked like a million and a half people. Whatever it was, it was. But it went all the way back to the Washington Monument. And I turn on — and by mistake I get this network, and it showed an empty field. And it said we drew 250,000 people. Now, that’s not bad, but it’s a lie. We had 250,000 people literally around — you know, in the little bowl that we constructed. That was 250,000 people. The rest of the 20-block area, all the way back to the Washington Monument, was packed. So we caught them, and we caught them in a beauty. And I think they’re going to pay a big price.

You should read the full transcript of his remarks at the CIA because they are stunning — and not in a positive way. But 1. none of this is accurate, 2. why is he wasting the CIA’s time talking about his inaugural attendance?  oh right, because 3. he wants to turn everyone, including our intelligence agencies, against the press.

This is terrifying.

But then this happened: Sean Spicer, the White House Press Secretary held a press briefing, and by “press briefing,” I mean Spicer came out and screamed a series of lies at the media:

This was astonishing. Period.

Just a quick dissection of this “press briefing”: Spicer complains about two things: he leads with the MLK bust story in which a Time reporter mistakenly tweeted that the bust of MLK had been removed from the Oval Office (it should be noted that the reporter realized his mistake within an hour and tweeted an apology — an apology that Spicer accepted) and then he launches into the tirade about the inauguration numbers, a tirade that is littered with easily disprovable lies. He starts with something true that the media did wrong so that it will bolster the lies he is about to spew. There is no “truth.” Nothing can be trusted.

This is what Chuck Todd was trying to ask Kellyanne Conway on Sunday’s Meet the Press: Why would Sean Spicer use his first press “conference” to lie about something so easily disprovable? Why? WHY? And he asked this question some 11 times and did not once receive an answer. Instead, Kellyanne Conway said that, “we are going to have to rethink our relationship here” and that what Spicer said weren’t lies, they were “alternative facts.”

This is the most Orwellian doublespeak I’ve ever heard in real life. War is peace, ignorance is strength, freedom is slavery and lies are alternative facts. This, in addition to:

1. Trump calling the media “among the most dishonest people on Earth,” and saying that they are going to “pay a big price.”
2. Spicer literally screaming at the press that the administration will “hold [them] accountable,” and promising that Trump will bypass them altogether.
3. Kellyanne Conway threatening to end the administration’s relationship with the media altogether if they do not report things the way the administration wants them to.

These are exactly the kinds of attacks on a free press and First Amendment that I was terrified of happening under this regime, I just can’t believe it is happening on the second Goddamn day.

Here is a post that is being passed around on social media that lays bare what the Trump administration is doing and why it is SO FUCKING DANGEROUS:

This is not normal. This is not normal. This is not normal.

Please help the free press keep up the fight: subscribe to a reputable newspaper like The New York Times, Washington Post or the Wall Street Journal, or to a magazine like The Atlantic or The New Yorker or The Economist, or donate to organizations like the ACLU or The Committee to Protect Journalists. Give the press your support because they’ve never needed it more than in this very moment.

There are some hilarious things that came out of this shitshow of a weekend:

#AlternativeFacts  and #SeanSpicerFacts obviously became hilarious hashtags on Twitter:

And the Dallas hockey team, The Stars, trolled Trump with his “alternative facts:”

Late night had their take on the inauguration:

Here’s a piece that argues that the world in the “Nosedive” episode of Black Mirror (which, if you have not watched it, go do so NOW) is preferable to the world with Trump as President. And I’m not one to disagree.

“You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common, they don’t alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views.” — Doctor Who 40 years ago. 

We can take solace that not only were inauguration attendance numbers down, but the thing that matters most to Donald Trump — ratings — they were down, too by 18%. And the special ABC ran on the Trump family was lower-rated than programming on CBS and NBC in the same time slot. What was that he said about Schwarzenegger’s ratings again? That he got “swamped”? DJT the “ratings machine” just another “alternative fact.”

Saturday Night Live has dedicated itself to being one long Donald Trump troll job. Alec Baldwin is going to host a record 17th time on February 11 and Kristen Stewart is going to be the host of Saturday Night Live when it returns in a couple of weeks, and she couldn’t have been a better choice:

I mean, seriously, what was that about even?

LITERALLY (figuratively) ME:

So the BBC futzed up their captions for the inauguration and it was hilarious:

Stacey Dash was fired from Fox News, and Twitter thinks it’s hilarious, whereas I think it’s because Fox thinks it doesn’t need as many African-American commentators now that Obama is gone.

In Development News:

A six-episode Veronica Mars reboot might still happen! Stay tuned!

ABC is giving Scandal its own aftershow. Hell, why not.

ABC has given Raised by Wolves, a family comedy from Diablo Cody, a pilot order.

ABC also ordered to pilot an untitled mixed-race comedy from the creators of Fresh Off the Boat, described thusly: It will “explore what it’s like to grow up as the only girl in the only mixed race family in the suburbs of Philadelphia, dealing with real-world issues like race and gender while never losing focus of her life goal: to become a Laker Girl like her idol, Paula Abdul.”

NBC is working on a new Witchblade series.

CBS ordered Me, Myself and I to pilot. It’s described as a Boyhood-esque comedy and I have so many questions, namely, “Did they see Boyhood?”

Jax and Brittany from Vanderpump Rules are getting their own spinoff, but who even knows if they’ll still be together when it airs?

Other TV Stuff:

Here are some mild Game of Thrones spoilers for ya. Basically, a few major characters were spotted filming in a very specific location and there are boats.

Did y’all watch The Good Place finale? 1. IT WAS SO GOOD, but 2. here are some questions about how that whole thing worked…

NBC is going to honor Tom Brokaw for his 50 years with the network.

The Coroner has been renewed over at ID.

Have you missed Kevin Dillon since Entourage went away? Soon he’ll be on Blue Bloods, so all your prayers have been answered.

Feud: Bette and Joan, y’all:

WATCH THIS

The Bachelor: Nick makes the women do ranch work, because apparently those are skills he’s looking for in a wife. 7 p.m., ABC

Timeless: Jesse James. 9 p.m., NBC

Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Cate Blanchett, Hugh Dancy, Cobi Late Night with Seth Meyers: Idina Menzel, Melissa Benoist, Kane Brown, Darren King Jimmy Kimmel Live: Dennis Quaid, Bill Burr, Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness Conan: Howie Mandel, Britt Lower, Daniel Sloss The Daily Show: Matt Taibbi Watch What Happens Live: Jax Taylor, Jerry O’Connell

MON.

7:00

7:30

8:00

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9:30

ABC

The Bachelor (new)

Quantico (new)

CBS

Kevin Can Wait (new)

Man With a Plan (new)

2 Broke Girls (new)

The Big Bang Theory (repeat)

Scorpion (new)

CW

Supergirl (new)

Jane the Virgin (new)

Local

FOX

Gotham (new)

Lucifer (new)

News/Local

NBC

Celebrity Apprentice (new)

Timeless (new)

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