‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Surprise, bitch

Bachelor in Paradise
August 22, 2016

We begin this episode as we have begun most episodes over the past two seasons: with Khaste Kardashian making Cousin Max miserable, sobbing and keening that SHE LOOOOOOVES HIM, WHY DOESN’T HE LOOOOOOOVE HER, SHE KNOWS THAT HE DOES, DEEP DOWN HE LOOOOOOVES HER TOO, JUST SAY IT. SAY IT.

Refusing to mince words, Cousin Max flatly tells Khaste that he’s really into Fatalist, he will never be into Khaste and she needs to cut all of this out already.

With that, Cousin Max goes to Fatalist and assures her that he is here to date her, pay no attention to the girl sobbing and threatening to set herself on fire in the background.

Meanwhile, it is the next rose ceremony with the male rejects in charge, but the only rose up for grabs is Dooficer’s. This leads Dooficer to declare that he has “power like the Pope,” thereby demonstrating that Dooficer has no idea what the Pope’s powers include. (Hint: They do not include making ham-fisted sexual innuendo at women who are just humoring you to stay on a reality show in the hopes of meeting someone they wouldn’t be embarrassed to date.)

Buster tries to woo him by offering him a half of a birthday cake to celebrate his “half-birthday” which is not a thing; One of the Twins bullies the other Twin to take one for the team and kiss Dooficer so as to save them both (“YOU WILL DO IT, YOU WILL GET A ROSE, YOU WILL LOVE IT AND YOU WILL SWALLOW IT,” might have been said by one Twin to another), I’m not even sure which one took the hit, and it doesn’t much matter, honestly; and Khaste mopes in Doofier’s general direction, while Dooficer goes into explicit — and censored — explanations as to why deflowering a virgin is awesome.

He’s a prize.

Also, the Twins have no idea how to say the word, “vulnerable,” or what it means.

The rejects line up in La Palapa de Rejection:

Fireman Grant offers The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party his rose.
Sweaty McMoansalot offers Token Single Mom his rose.
Wesley Snipes offers Flipper his rose.
Toasted offers Onesie his rose.
Boner (after confessing on camera that he faked his injuries !!!) offers Carly his rose.
Cousin Max offers Fatalist his rose.
Dooficer offers one of the Twins his rose, it doesn’t matter which one, honestly.

And so we must say adios to Buster and Khaste Kardashian. ¡Adios! Maybe find yourselves some good therapists when you get home!

EXCEPT. Once inside the Vaya Con Dios Mobile, after sobbing and making a series of sounds that phonetically written look like “MEEEEENEEEEEEEWWWW….,” Khaste Kardashian demands that the Vaya Con Dios Mobile turn around. This piece of work then marches back into “Paradise” and announces that, “LOL, I’m totally over Cousin Max, can I stay now?”

And these nitwits shrug and say sure, why not, what’s the harm, while Cousin Max plots all of their murders. Khaste Kardashian then assures Cousin Max and Fatalist that she will not be up in their business, while in the same breath threatening that they better not “do anything in front” of her. So, she’s clearly moved on. Totally moved right on.

The next morning the first new reject arrives, Carl or Fireman Carl as I creatively called him on account of being a fireman. Fireman Carl was eliminated in the second episode of Andi’s season, which helps explain why NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA WHO THE HELL HE IS. He’s so anonymous that even after arriving and meeting everyone, no one can remember his name. Even Carly, who after struggling to remember what it is for an insufferable amount of time, is like, “Wait! He and I have the same name!”

And hot on Fireman Carl’s heels, the next new reject waltzes in, carrying a floor lamp, because it’s Brett, or as I called him “The Lamp Thief,” who on his first night on The Bachelorette brought Andi the lamp from his hotel room for reasons that to this day remain unclear. Thanks to his Carrot Top-level use of props, everyone in “Paradise” is like “Oh, right, The Lamp Guy,” except for Onesie who immediately starts burbling about how perfect and gorgeous and ideal and perfect he is.

Fireman Whatshisface asks Twin #1 to go on his date with him, and she giddily accepts despite having no idea what his name is. As for The Lamp Guy, he asks Fatalist on his date, to Cousin Max’s nausea and Khaste Kardashian’s delight.

But before she formally accepts, Fatalist takes Cousin Max aside to clear it with him, and he tells her that while he doesn’t want her to go, it’s ultimately her decision and she should do whatever feels right to her. “OK, I won’t go then!” Fatalist chirps, to Cousin Max’s great relief. But then she changes her mind, and announces that maybe she should go on the date, you know, just to make sure of her feelings. Cousin Max strongly considers vomiting.

Fatalist then marches out to The Lamp Guy and says, “Let’s go!” only to literally stop him in his tracks a moment later by declaring that on second thought, she can’t do it. But maybe she should! But, wait, no, she’s going to stay. WAIT, she’s given it a lot of thought and she’s definitely going to go.

And before she can change her damn mind again, The Lamp Guy hurries her out of “Paradise” and onto their booze cruise date with Fireman Whatshisface and Twin #1.

When I die and meet my great reward for being such a flaming asshole on the internet about perfect strangers  who have never done a single thing to me in this life, I will spend it in Hell, on a booze cruise, surrounded by drunk barely-legal WOOOOoOoooO!OOOO! girls, who will be downing shots of fireball and grinding against their overly-tattooed barely-literate man apes. This is how I will spend eternity and I will be so sad.

It turns out Fatalist and I share this in common, and she has zero fun with The Lamp Guy while Twin #1 does body shots with the guy whose name she can’t remember and “rides him like Seabiscuit.” Not my words.

Back in “Paradise,” Khaste Kardashian recognizes that with Fatalist out of la Casa del Soltero, she has an opportunity to plant a little seed of doubt in Cousin Max’s head. Khaste cozies up to a moping Cousin Max and assures him that it’s “ok to cry,” before calling Fatalist a “back-stabbing whore” before being all, “LOL J/K!” before being all, “but not at all. She really is a back-stabbing whore. For reals though.”

And that’s when everyone returns from the booze cruise and Fatalist announces to Cousin Max that the tequila-soaked, crotch-grinding boat ride gave her clarity and she wants to be with him.

Khaste is not amused by this development.

That evening, the next new reject arrives, Ryan or “Non-Rapey Ryan” as I called him during Kaitlyn’s season on account of the fact that there was another Ryan on the cast who tried to be — and failed — a little rapey with Kaitlyn. A+++ name, I know.

Non-Rapey here arrives and brags about not having good jokes or any dance skills or anything else, really, to make him stand out from all the other men rejects. His old pal and super genius Cousin Max tries to convince him to take Khaste Kardashian out on his date, but when None-Rapey takes her aside to chat, she just goes on and one and on and on about how obsessed she is with Cousin Max. Nice try, Cousin Max! Good effort!

So instead, Non-Rapey asks Twin #2 to go out on his date. Meanwhile Dooficer gets all jealous and makes elaborate comparisons to bears and pigeons and silver foxes and I didn’t realize Anderson Cooper was here, but I don’t think he’s going to like “Paradise” very much.

The next morning Non-Rapey and Twin #2 go ride horses. Twin #2 is very excited about this.

Meanwhile, back in “Paradise,” Fireman Grant (not to be confused with Fireman Whatshisface) arranges a couples’ massage for himself and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party. Once they’ve been thoroughly touched by strangers and covered in oil, Fireman Grant tells The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party that he’s falling in love with her. She responds by crying and covering her face and demanding more booze and refusing to reciprocate the sentiment. Romance!

As for “Paradise’s” other super-couple, Onesie and Toasted, it would seem that Onesie has been having her own doubts on account of how The Lamp Guy makes her feel in her bathing suit area. And so she takes The Lamp Guy aside in plain view of everyone, including Toasted, to tell him that he turns her on, so to speak.

“Cool!” says The Lamp Guy, realizing that his chances of receiving a rose just significantly increased.

Onesie then has the hard business of telling Toasted that she still likes him, but, like, 25% less now that The Lamp Guy is here. Toasted, who was thinking they were on their way towards claiming they were “engaged” or whatever, is completely blindsided and can’t believe she’s throwing away everything they had together FOR SOME GUY WITH A LAMP. And, I mean, he has a point.

So the next morning, Toasted tells the other man rejects what happened, before declaring his intention to leave “Paradise.” The other man rejects encourage him to talk to Onesie before making any rash decisions, and once Onesie gets her ass out of bed around 3 p.m., Onesie asks to speak with her.

August 23, 2016

Alone, Toasted is like, “Wait, are you serious? About The Lamp Guy? Really? You don’t want to think about this a little more?” And Oneise is all, “I mean, yeah. He’s pretty.” Toasted announces that if that’s the case, he’s leaving and everyone cries and cries and cries, and then Toasted gets into the Vaya Con Dios Van and drives out of Onesie’s life forever.*

But the sadness times are short-lived because actual married Bachelor in Paradise couple, Tanner and Boobs McTrashShoes, swing by to remind everyone that sometimes people can meet in this completely artificial environment and actually come to believe that their relationship is something real and worth making a lifetime commitment over! For some reason!

Tanner and Boobs are here to choose one couple to gift their same first date in a symbolic passing of the STDs romantic torch. After chatting with all of the couples — and Khaste Kardashian for reasons that are unclear –Tanner and Boobs give the date card to Cousin Max and Fatalist, because Tanner and Cousin Max are old buddies.

Cousin Max and Fatalist go on Tanner and Boobs’ date at that river or whatever it was, and try to talk about their relationship and how they can’t allow Khaste Kardashian to come between them no matter how crazy she acts, but it’s pouring rain and their hair is sticking to their heads and their food is becoming soggy, so they just strip down to their panties and get into the makeout river already.

Meanwhile, the conversation with Boobs and Tanner went less well for Fireman Grant and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party, and she gets all weird and huffy with Fireman Grant and starts fantasizing about Onesie-ing his ass.

And Wesley Snipes and Flipper have a conversation I think about how Flipper needs more attention from Wesley Snipes, but I couldn’t pay attention because it was just a series of squeaks and whistles.

The next morning, Boner receives a date card, promising an “ancient ceremony,” and he chooses Carly to no one’s surprise. The date is at a Mayan sweat lodge and involves them sweating and talking at each other, so it’s for the best that Sweaty McMoansalot didn’t receive this date as he might have literally died from dehydration and/or the lack of anything to say other than “HAW HAW!”

Boner talks about how much he appreciates that Carly “accepts” his “weird and crazy,” even though she totally, totally does not, a fact he will learn soon enough once he goes home and watches these episodes with the rest of America.

In turn, Carly tells him that she is “falling more and more” for him, and she is excited to see where this is going. In an interview, Carly, clearly moved, talks about how Boner seems to find her beautiful no matter what she looks like, and that having someone treat her this way is amazing. And I would be very proud of her for finally realizing her value except for the part where he faked an entire injury for her attention which is just creepy and wrong and no way to start a relationship. Oh, and she starts talking about her “lady boner” again, and I can’t. I won’t and I can’t.

Meanwhile, back at “Paradise,” Khaste Kardashian, increasingly desperate over this whole Cousin Max/Fatalist situation, goes to Cousin Max and openly tells him that Fatalist isn’t as into him as he is into her. And also she’s a fake. And also she’s a robot.

And I don’t know if you know this about Cousin Max, but he’s a damned idiot, and he allows this nonsense to creep into that tiny cashew of a brain of his. He goes straight to Fatalist and is all, “Uhhhhh… ‘some people’ say you don’t like me, is it true?” Fatalist, though indecisive, isn’t stupid and is able to untangle this mystery pretty quickly.

After telling Cousin Max to stop being so insecure already, Fatalist marches down to the beach where she finds Khaste and is like, “YOU NEED TO BACK UP, BITCH, I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE KNOWN COUSIN MAX LONGER THAN ME.” In response, Khaste gawps like a startled goldfish.

YOUR GUIDE TO THE STUPID NICKNAMES

Amanda	Token Single Mom
Ashley	Khaste Kardashian
Brandon	7-Years-a-Stranger
Brett	The Lamp Guy
Caila	The Fatalist
Carl	Fireman Whatshisface
Carly	Carly
Chad	The Chad
Christian	Mr. Intensity
Daniel	Dooficer
Emily	Twin #2
Evan	Boner
Grant	Fireman Grant
Haley	Twin #1
Izzy	Onesie
Jared	Cousin Max
Jen	Flipper
Josh	Sweaty McMoansalot
Lace	The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party
Leah	John Elway
Nick	Wesley Snipes
Ryan	Non-Rapey Ryan
Sarah	Buster
Vinny	Toasted

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. It’s slowly killing me.