‘The Real Housewives of New York’ smell like grapefruit

The Real Housewives of New York

Full disclosure: the move from Tubular to Foolish Watcher took place after I had come back from a two-week trip but before the time suck that is the Summer Olympics happened and one of a few things that didn’t quite get packed up were the two episodes of The Real Housewives of New York that I missed while I was lying on a beach, drinking silly cocktails, trying to forget that Sonja Morgan’s vaginoplasty ever happened. Because there are only two more new episodes before an endless round of reunion screaming commences, I decided to just summarize the two episodes I happened to miss, and recap the most recent episode.

Please forgive, and I promise that if someone texts me pictures of your fiance making out with a former Playmate, I will forward them to you directly instead of just talking about it on camera for all the world to hear. 

“The Countess Bride”
July 20, 2016

Basically, Ramona, Sonja, Princess Radziwill, Jules, Dorinda and Bethenny go to a casino, gamble, dance by themselves in an empty casino nightclub and don’t fight. It is very boring.

Later, Ramona announces that she wants to throw The Countess an engagement party, but Dorinda is like, “Girl, that’s a terrible idea.”

Bethenny announces she’s taking her daughter on a ski trip, and her assistant is like, “Girl, that’s a terrible idea.”

Jules pays some woman $2000 to potty train her daughter.

Princess Carole and The Duke of Butter agree to still write a book together even if they hate one another a year from now.

Finally, at a dinner with Jules, Ramona, Sonja and Princess Sereness, Dorinda suggests that they go to Hawaii for their contractually obligated season vacation. The Countess joins them and waves her 30 carat diamond engagement ring in their faces and cackling, “I’M GETTING MARRIED!” while Sonja seethes with jealousy.

“And Away We Finally Go”
July 27, 2016

Dorinda, Ramona, Sonja in a giant fur hat and The Countess meet for lunch so as to discuss that they are not, in fact, going to Hawaii. As predicted by her assistant, going to the mountains wasn’t the best medical decision Bethenny could have made. Now needing surgery, she can not take a 14 hour flight to Honolulu. So instead they are going to go to Florida and have an engagement party for The Countess there. SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE COUNTESS’ ENGAGEMENT RING, BECAUSE SHE’S GETTING MARRIED!!

Ramona, Jules and Sonja go beach shoe shopping, it is boring. However, it’s there that Ramona reveals that The Countess told Page Six that Ramona was Fiancé Tom’s “Friend with Benefits” when, in fact, it was Sonja. RAMONA IS VERY MAD ABOUT THIS.

Jules goes to Florida a day early to visit her elderly parents, it is boring.

In Palm Beach, Florida, The Countess’ friend lends her yacht for an engagement party, and The Countess goes around screaming, “WE GOT THE YACHT!” and “I’M GETTING MARRIED!” in the other women’s faces. As Jules, Ramona, Sonja and Princess Carole Get comfortable on THE YACHT!, Bethenny is in Miami, revealing to some random friend of hers that she is in possession of a series of scandalous texts that could end The Countess’ engagement to Fiancé Tomcat.

“Body of Evidence”
August 3, 2016

The episode begins with The Countess greeting the guests at her engagement party, while below deck, Sonja straps herself into a Versace dress while half-worrying about how her former “lover,” as she insists on calling Fiancé Tom, is going to receive her.

As they make their way up to the party, the ladies meet Kimberlie, the yacht owner, and she’s … something else. I need more information on her, please.

At the party, everyone is VERY TENSE and VERY AWKWARD, what with Fiancé Tom having “dated” 90% of the guests. Sonja musters up her courage and her cleavage to greet Fiancé Tom and congratulate him, only to have Fiancé Tom shove her towards some leering octogenarian.

Later, someone asks Ramona how she knows Fiancé Tom, and she reveals that he actually hit on her — ON CAMERA FOR REAL HOUSEWIVES, NO LESS, and yes, of course they have the footage, duh — some eight years ago. Ramona then adds that she and Fiancé Tom went on 4 or 5 dates, which Fiancé Tom loudly, forcefully and rather panickedly denies. “IT WAS ONLY ONE OR TWO DATES,” he insists, while sweating and scanning the room for The Countess.

Later, Ramona reintroduces  Fiancé Tom to Her Highness Carole, and somewhere along the line, Fiancé Tom tells Ramona that she smells “like grapefruit,” which isn’t an OK thing to say to the woman you used to date who is friends/castmates with your fianceé. That’s not OK! That’s a creepy thing to say, in fact!

And then everyone starts drinking tequila –which is never a terrible idea — and Ramona “dances” and Dorinda slurs her way through a toast and The Countess tracks down a sober Sonja and screams in her face, “I’M GETTING MARRIED! I’M GETTING MARRIED!” Sonja regrets giving up booze.

The next morning, Jules calls home to check in on Her Husband and children, only to learn that Her Husband has left the kids with his parents and the nanny and completely abdicated responsibility. They seem happy!

Elsewhere, Dorinda visits with Our Princess in her stateroom, where Princess Carole reveals she first met Fiancé Tom when he was on a date with Ramona, which is somehow news to Dorinda. Ramona then joins them and confirms that she went out with Fiancé Tom several times before going on to count and detail each encounter, one of which involved going back to his apartment to “play backgammon.”

Dorinda is just astounded by this — The Countess’ version of events is that Ramona and Fiancé Tom only went out a couple of times. And then there’s the whole twist where the entire time Ramona was dating Fiancé Tom, he was schtupping her best friend, Sonja, and Ramona had no idea. Dorinda, along with everyone else, agrees that Fiancé Tom’s story is fishy and that they need to determine the truth.

So that’s when Dorinda Meddler goes straight upstairs and tells The Countess that Ramona is busy talking about how she dated Fiancé Tom and how he said she smelled like grapefruit. The Countess is FURIOUS. This is INAPPROPRIATE and she is going to WRING RAMONA’S NECK.

The Countess storms downstairs where Ramona is comforting Sonja who is bummed that she’s not allowed to have feelings about the end of her relationship with her “lover.” But all that is thrown out the window as The Countess threatens to “throw Ramona off the side of the boat” if she doesn’t stop talking about how she dated Fiancé Tom.

This leads to a whole screaming match between The Countess and Ramona that culminates in Ramona dragging out the Page Six article that she obviously packed and brought with her — who wouldn’t go on a girls’ trip without evidence? — in which The Countess says Ramona was Fiancé Tom’s “friend with benefits” when it was ACTUALLY SONJA. And not to defend The Countess, because GOD, NO, but she’s not actually quoted as saying this, it very well could have been a careless mistake by the reporter. BUT RAMONA DOESN’T CARE. DOESN’T THE COUNTESS KNOW HOW TO KEEP HER GOD DAMNED MOUTH SHUT?

Ramona then storms upstairs and, crying, repeats this whole story to the other women. I have no idea why she is crying. This is not a story to cry about.

The Countess and Sonja join everyone on deck, where The Countess starts screaming at Ramona to “APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE TO ME! AND STOP TALKING ABOUT TOM THE FIANCÉ! I AM GETTING MARRIED! LOOK AT MY RING! LOOK AT IT!”

With that, the ladies load up into cars and drive down to Miami, where Bethenny is waiting with her secret text messages, burning a hole through her cell phone.

The ladies arrive, and as luck would have it, The Countess is the first person to greet Bethenny. “I’M GETTING MARRIED!” The Countess shrieks. “LOOK AT MY RING!” Bethenny takes a deep breath and asks The Countess if she’s sure about this whole “marriage” thing. When The Countess insists she is, Bethenny asks more specific questions: When did The Countess arrive in Florida? Are they monogamous? Do she and Tom the Fiancé have a similar arrangement that she had with The Count? The Countess declares that OF COURSE they’re monogamous, they’re GETTING MARRIED, and Bethenny just waves off her concerns as stemming from her own difficult divorce, which The Countess chooses to buy.

The Countess excuses herself from Bethenny’s increasingly curious questioning, as Ramona and Princess Carole arrive in Bethenny’s room. Bethenny asks them how Fiancé Tom behaved at the engagement party, and they both agree that he seemed fine — aside from the weird grapefruit incident. And that’s when Bethenny reveals that the day before, a friend texted her some pictures of Fiancé Tom making out with some former Playboy Playmate at one of his favorite New York bars which were taken two nights before the engagement party.

SO NOW WHAT? Bethenny wonders. DO I TELL THE COUNTESS, OR DO I JUST TELL THE REST OF AMERICA ON THIS NATIONALLY BROADCAST SHOW WE ARE CURRENTLY TAPING?

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. on Bravo.