The Real Housewives of New York City
“All the Countess’s Men”
May 25, 2016
Bethenny is apparently throwing a Secret Santa Caviar Party, so Dorinda and Jules go shopping at Jonathan Adler, even though both women say they’ve already bought their respective gifts …. so, why? Why are we here again? It turns out we’re here so that Dorinda can complain to Jules about Ramona’s behavior at Fudgie’s fancy dry cleaning party, and speculate that it’s because Ramonda wants to sleep with her boyfriend.
And then just like that, we’re at Bethenny’s Secret Santa Caviar Party. Princess Carole, Jules and Ramona arrive before Dorinda, so Ramona begins telling her version of what happened at Fudgie’s fancy dry cleaning party: Ramona was innocently chatting with this tall gentleman whom The Countess had once dated and the next thing you know Fudgie is screaming in her face that they have to leave. Really, the whole thing is a mystery. A fat-fingered, sweaty, yelly, red-faced mystery.
Jules begins to explain that it wasn’t quite as simple as that, that Ramona’s new friend was harassing The Countess so much she fled the party in fear, but then Dorinda walks in and everyone is like, “OH HI NO WE WEREN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU NOTHING WHY DO YOU ASK.”
Everything is SUPER tense between Ramona and Dorinda as their drunken Croat fight was never formally dealt with, so Bethenny takes Dorinda aside to talk for a moment. Dorinda confesses to Bethenny that she’s very anxious about being there, that Ramona unlocked something in her emotionally, and for the first time in four years, she’s feeling lost and afraid. Bethenny, sensing that this is really about Dorinda’s uncertainty about her relationship with Fudgie and not so much about Ramona, suggests that Dorinda needs a little Dorinda time. You know, by herself. To think about things. Like, maybe how much quieter it is when Fudgie’s not around.
Dorinda then joins the party, where Ramona tries to kiss and make up with her by shoveling caviar and bellinis into Dorinda’s face. Ramona apologizes and apologizes and informs Dorinda she’s not going anywhere, they are going to be friends whether Dorinda likes it or not and everything is all better between the two of them. For now.
Dorinda asks who is coming to her home in the Berkshires for an overnight slumber party, before announcing that she will not be inviting Sonja because of the recent difficulties between Sonja and Bethenny. When Her Highness Radziwill expresses reluctance at spending the night under the same roof as The Countess, however, Dorinda basically tells her to grow up and get over it. This, Dorinda will come to regret.
And then everyone opens their Secret Santa presents which include a vibrating thigh master and wine straw glasses which are truly the most useless thing ever because why would anyone want to wait that long for the wine to GET INTO THEIR FACES?
Speaking of putting wine in faces, somewhere across town, The Countess and Sonja go out for drinks, where Sonja brings up my new favorite tertiary RHONY character, Rey, the Drunk Croat. When Sonja refers to Rey the Drunk Croat as The Countess’ “lover…”
… The Countess claims that he was no such thing, she only went out with him twice. But Sonja’s like, “Wait, didn’t you go to Ibiza with him?” Well, yes, he’s Ibiza Guy, The Countess replies, but they weren’t lovers. “So you didn’t sleep with him?” Sonja asks incredulously. She never said that, Sonja, don’t be ridiculous, they went to Ibiza together. The point is, The Countess is done with him now and she’d rather not talk about him, merci.
The next morning, The Countess and Sonja put on their breakfast fur vests and fur slippers and go downstairs to read the Page Six story about Fudgie’s fancy dry cleaning party:
A night on the town went haywire for some “Real Housewives” when Ramona Singer defended a drunken creep at a fancy party — and was then ejected with the guy.
Singer began the evening at Sushi Roxx with cast mates LuAnn de Lesseps and Sonja Morgan before hitting a party hosted by Dorinda Medley’s boyfriend John Mahdessian at his haute dry cleaner, Madame Paulette.
That’s when an overserved guest — described by a source as “an uninvited drunk who once dated LuAnn” — started “harassing” Morgan and Singer.
Mahdessian jumped to the ladies’ defense at the packed party, but “Singer oddly asked the drunk to stay, with an ensuing screaming match,” sources said.
“Fudgie jumped to the ladies’ defense”?
Later, Dorinda and Sonja go on a walk, where Sonja asks Dorinda how she’s doing after this latest blow-up with Ramona, and Dorinda admits that there’s a lot of tension in the group right now, and that she is currently “going through something” with Ramona. Sonja informs Dorinda that she is on the same page: why, in fact, just the other day Ramona tried to tell her that the other women weren’t inviting Sonja to events because they think she’s been drinking too much, isn’t that crazy?
About that. “So, I was planning on having a party in the Berkshires,” Dorinda begins, “but I’m cancelling it. Instead, I’m going to have an overnight dinner party with everyone but you. Because for reasons. Thanks for understanding!” Sonja is hurt by this slight, and can not for the life of her understand what is even happening. Why, she’s the life of every party! All the girls love her at parties! She makes out with everyone!
In the words of Michael Bluth: “Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day.I think you’re gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.”
So, after making a big deal about how she doesn’t want to introduce the other women to him, The Countess arranges a dinner party with Dorinda and Jules to introduce the world to Tom, Secret Boyfriend? Sure, OK, makes sense. It seems Dorinda introduced Tom and The Countess, so she knew they were dating and Jules is a non-entity for The Countess’ purposes, so they were the only safe cast members to bring along to the dinner — because, SCANDAL! Ramona also dated Tom the Secret Boyfriend.
In fact, when Ramona comes up in conversation, and the ladies say less than nice things about her, Tom tries to defend Ramona, noting that she’s “really humble.” This is both kind of sweet and hilariously inaccurate and The Countess dismisses the comment, claiming that he doesn’t know Ramona very well.
Dorinda and Tom then tell the story how Dorinda introduced Tom to The Countess by phone, Tom noting that The Countess had a “sexy voice.” To this, Fudgie asks him, “was the area where you speak into moist? Did it feel wet on your face?”
You guys, he’s the legitimate worst.
Anyway, the point is, Tom and The Countess are really into each other, the end.
And then, there were the Berkshires.
Dorinda has decorated her lovely country home in the Berkshires with every available Christmas decoration she could get her hands on: it’s her favorite holiday of the year, and she can’t wait to celebrate with the her friends. Oh, sweetie.
Ramona and her dumb little purse dog are the first to arrive and, in what will become both foreshadowing and a metaphor for this entire trip, the dumb little purse dog begins pooping all over Dorinda’s house. Just pooping everywhere. So much other people dog’s poop that Dorinda is left cleaning up.
While they wait for the others to arrive, Ramona and Dorinda have lunch, and discuss The Countess’ love life. While Dorinda doesn’t give Ramona Tom’s name, Ramona already knows the two are dating and notes that it’s “all uncool” that The Countess didn’t talk to her about dating him first — what if they were still involved? Oh, Ramona, as if The Countess would have cared …
Jules and The Countess then arrive, and Jules explains that she’s distracted with the news that her father has been hospitalized for pneumonia and not doing well. Which is a good excuse to not be in the Berkshires right now, Jules! Go home, Jules! You have an out, Jules! SAVE YOURSELF.
But she is there with her castmates “new friends,” talking about how Sonja is deeply hurt she wasn’t included. Dorinda tries to spin it that she is “protecting” Sonja, mostly from Bethenny, but The Countess isn’t having it, and at one point, offers to go home to be with Sonja.
Oh, if only you had, The Countess. If only you had.
Instead, she stays and eats some lunch listening to Ramona yammer on about how Sonja needs to work on herself and do some “spiritulation,” maybe some yoga or charity (I could introduce her to some people), and “stop with the silly businesses.”
It’s at this point that Bethenny arrives and greets everyone warmly, including The Countess, who responds by commenting that Bethenny’s haircut looks exactly like her own. This will not be the last we hear about it, trust.
Bethenny mentions that Sonja has been texting her all day about this party she wasn’t invited to, and Ramona and The Countess are both sympathetic; The Countess adding that she’s staying with Sonja, so you can just imagine how many texts SHE’S receiving about this snub. When The Countess adds that she’s only staying with Sonja when she’s not staying with this guy she likes, Bethenny is like, “Oh, Ramona’s ex?”
Jules tries to change the topic of conversation by asking how The Countess’ apartment hunting is going. The Countess explains that she can’t find anything she likes, and anyway she needs to stay with Sonja, seeing as she’s her mentor and all. “AHHHHHHHH HA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!” says Bethenny. “This is the blind leading the deaf!”
The Countess is offended, but tries to write it off as Bethenny just having her issues with Sonja over the whole “Tipsy Girl” nonsense. Bethenny assures The Countess she is not worried about “Tipsy Girl,” seeing as she “was the first person besides Diddy to do this” — which, if we can just pause here and reflect on the amazingness of THAT statement for a moment — at which point The Countess raises her hand for acknowledgement. “I mean aside from you, since it was your idea,” Bethenny adds sarcastically. The Countess shrugs it off, saying that they “had fun with it, and [Bethenny] ran with it, so good for [her.]” When Bethenny laughs that she was making a joke, that The Countess had nothing to do with Skinny Girl, The Countess tries to claim they were together when Bethenny came up with it, so. You know. It was basically her idea.
TO BE CONTINUED, MY POOPING TINY PURSE DOGS.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo at 8/9 p.m.
This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.