The Bachelorette
May 23, 2016
In case you’ve suffered some sort of head injury, or developed amnesia in the past two months, or maybe have been held in captivity by cruel kidnappers who kept you from television for the past year, we begin this season with a long explanation as to how Jojo, a real estate developer from Dallas, has found herself in the unfortunate position of being our new Bachelorette.
See, this one time, Jojo was forced into a creepy unicorn mask and shoved into a limo where she was driven to some remote location and forced for several months to “date” a man with the personality of a cup of yogurt.
During that time, Jojo the Unicorn endured having tables thrown at her:
Being chased by sea pigs:
Jumping off waterfalls with human mayonnaise:
Making tacos:
And living with some sort of human/snake hybrid for several weeks:
And in the end, White Bread the Bachelor told her he loved her and promised he would never “blindside” her, only to totally blindside her THE VERY NEXT DAY — like 12 HOURS LATER — by dumping her on national television and sending her and her unicorn mask packing.
Afterwards, Jojo the Unicorn spent some quality time staring at retention ponds and bushes and really giving some hard thought to how she found herself back in the clutches of the Bachelor producers. Finally, she came to the conclusion that “Stockholm Syndrome” she really knows what she wants out of life now: someone with the same values and who wants the same things out of life and who knows what the word “blindside” means.
So she headed back to California to spend a few days walking on the beach in her bikini, staring out into the middle distance at nothing in particular, and getting some advice from some former Bachelorettes: Lenny Bruce, Princess Desiree and that Ali person who is married to a civilian now and much happier for it. The other ladies say unhelpful things like, “Are you nervous? You should be totally nervous,” and “Be honest with the men, but don’t hurt their feelings!” and “Ignore the guys you like the most.” Great advice, ladies. These super ideas of yours explain a lot about how you ended up seeking romance on a reality television show.
We move on to our “Keep Your Eyes on These Guys” segment, the part where we are introduced to our eventual winner and a bunch of other guys who are either serious competition for our eventual winner, or crazy and dangerous. Sometimes all of the above.
Grant, 28, firefighter, San Francisco, CA
Grant is a living, breathing page from your aunt’s 2011 Sexy Firefighter Calendar that she can’t bear to throw away. He spends his time staring out over the San Francisco bay, driving around an empty fire truck, making puns about how he hopes Jojo “lights his fire,” and standing, in full gear, up against brick walls.
Jordan, 27, former sportsballer, Chico, CA, Evental Winner
Jordan is the younger brother of Aaron Rodgers, famous football guy, which can’t be easy, right? I almost feel sorry for the kid: unless your last name is “Manning,” it’s unlikely you and your brother are going to be equally good at sportsball. But that didn’t stop Jordan here from trying, and being reasonably successful in the sense that he was on three different NFL teams. Of course, he didn’t actually play for any of those teams in actual games which is why he’s a “former” NFL player at the ripe old age of 27. This, however, does not prevent him from making the unfortunate pun that he hopes he’ll be Jojo the Unicorn’s “number one draft pick.” It would certainly be a first for him.
Alex, 25, U.S. Marine, Oceanside, CA
Alex and his twin brother are both Marines. That’s it. These are the only interesting things about this human fire plug: he has a twin brother and they both have so many tattoos and they are both all of 5’7″ and they both became Marines. The end.
James S., 27, Bachelor Superfan, Phoenix, AZ
The only reason James S. is on this show is because he’s a “Bachelor enthusiast” which should just give all of us, most especially Jojo the Unicorn, pause.
Evan, 33, erectile dysfunction specialist, Nashville, TN
Brace yourself, penis puns are coming.
Ali, 27, bartender, Santa Monica, CA
Ali is the son of Iranian immigrants who DOESN’T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR OR A DENTIST, MOM AND DAD. GAH, GET OFF HIS BACK.
Christian, 26, telecom consultant, Los Angeles
Hoo, boy. Christian is intense. Too intense. Waking up at 3:30 in the morning to go to the gym to throw ropes around intense. Not only is Christian intense, but he has a lot of baggage from being biracial and hidden for years from his father’s racist family. It’s not that Christian doesn’t seem like a nice guy, he seems like a lovely guy, in fact, he just seems … really intense.
Luke, 31, war veteran, Burnet, TX
Luke is your textbook small town Texas boy: cows, pickup truck, cowboy boots, military service, horses, giant American flags, barns on which he leans against while staring off into the prairie. In other words, a walking Bachelor stereotype.
Jojo the Unicorn is greeted at the McMANsion by Chris Harrison who is like, “No turning back now. We’ve engaged your shock collar so you might as well just submit to your fate. Good luck and Godspeed.”
Limo #1
Jordan (see above): He does not open with, “Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother, nice to meet you,” but he should have.
Derek, 29, commercial banker, Fort Lauderdale: This guy is the equivalent of the teacher’s voice in Charlie Brown cartoons. You know he said something, but it doesn’t much matter what it was.
Grant (see above): He promises to not fall in love with two women this season, which is like when your parents call you their favorite and you’re an only child.
James F., 34, boxing club owner, Nashville, TN: This one says he didn’t come here for the rose, but for a relationship, because he doesn’t understand how symbolism works.
Robby, 27, former competitive swimmer, Jacksonville, FL: As he walks towards Jojo the Unicorn, Robby opens a bottle of wine, offering her a glug, and wins my vote. You are an American hero, Robby.
Limo #2
Alex (see above): He tells Jojo the Unicorn that he’s nervous. Aren’t we all, Soldier, aren’t we all.
Will, 26, civil engineer, Jersey City, NJ: This joker “accidentally” drops his note cards as he exits the limo and then reads them to Jojo the Unicorn: “I want to say there is no doubt in my mind I am the most beautiful woman in the world.” GET IT? BECAUSE HE MIXED UP THE CARDS? SO THEN HE SAID HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? BUT HE’S NOT A WOMAN? DO YOU GET IT? WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
Chad, 28, luxury real estate agent, Tulsa, OK: This guy is all crazy eyes and intensity.
Daniel, 31, model, Vancouver, Canada: So, this is the piece of work who, in his ABC bio compares his body to a “Lambo.” MULTIPLE TIMES. He gets out of the limo with a “Daaaamn, Jojo the Unicorn, back at it again as the next Bachelorette,” which is a reference to those “Damn, Daniel” videos which were so popular with the kidz 4 months ago, because, get it? His name is Daniel? Also, he bears a certain resemblance to Lucifer from that one show, Lucifer.
Ali (see above): This guy seems genuinely awestruck by Jojo the Unicorn, seems like a sweet kid.
James Taylor, 29, singer, Katy, TX: When there are multiple contestants with the same first name, the show refers to them by their first name and first initial. But when a sincere singer-songwriter whose given name is “James Taylor” falls in your lap, there’s no way you can resist that as a Producer, so they’re doing away with the “T” and just calling him “James Taylor.” Our local guy comes out of the limo singing about fire and rain how he can’t believe the Dallas boys let her escape. When Jojo the Unicorn says she wants to play his guitar later (not a euphemism), he offers to teach her later. Maybe she already knows how to play, James Taylor? Presumptive much?
Jonathan, 29, technical sales representative, Vancouver, Canada: Jonathan exits the limo wearing a kilt, which is cool! He explains that he is half Chinese and half Scottish, which is also cool! He then assures Jojo the Unicorn that the Scottish half is below the waist. This is not cool. This is very not cool. 1. A gentleman does not introduce himself by discussing his penis size, even if he is the presumptive Republican presidential nominee and 2. racist much?
Limo #3
Nick B., 33, electrical engineer, Fort Lauderdale: This is the guy who dressed up like Santa Claus I think because “Jojo” sounds like “ho ho?” Is that why he did this? I don’t know why he did this.
Chase, 27, medical sales representative, Highlands Ranch, CO: This guy comes out of the limo wearing a pair of sunglasses that have a plastic mustache attached, and opens with “I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later,” because he’s wacky like that.
Jake, 27, landscape architect, Playa Vista, CA: We don’t even get to hear what Jake has to say for himself. Don’t get attached.
Sal, 28, operations manager, Fort Lauderdale: This joker presents Jojo the Unicorn with a set of blue stress balls, encouraging her to squeeze them. Because another way to make a great first impression with a woman is to force her to think about your testicles.
Coley, 27, real estate consultant, Chicago: Makes a “funny” about taking her “off the market.” It’s a real estate joke, you probably didn’t understand it.
Brandon, 28, “hipster,” Los Angeles: This guy has nothing to say, so let’s focus instead on the fact that 1. he listed “hipster” as his profession and 2. CLEARLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT A HIPSTER IS. A couple of dumb bracelets and a bad haircut does not a hipster make.
James S. (see above): So, let me get this straight: as a Bachelor “superfan,” you make it to the Bachelor mansion and all you can think to say is, “I’m nervous?”
Nick S., 26, software salesman, San Francisco: This guy slides into the splits upon approaching Jojo the Unicorn, which okay, whatever, but can we talk about the little bandana he’s wearing tied around his neck in his profile picture? What… what is that? What is going on there? Is that a buff? Does he think The Bachelorette is like Survivor and he needs a buff? What is that all about, Jeff Probst?
Vinny, 28, barber, Delray Beach, FL: This one says he’s “prepared a toast” for Jojo the Unicorn and proceeds to pull out a piece of toast.
Peter, 26, staffing agency manager, Chicago: Peter here was considerate enough to swing by CVS during their post-Valentine’s sale and pick up a giant stuffed heart to bring along with him.
Evan (see above): He gets out of the car and says “God bless America.” OK, Lee Greenwood, calm down already.
Wells, 31, radio DJ, Nashville, TN: Wells drags out of the limo 90s R&B group, All-4-One to serenade Jojo the Unicorn with their one hit, “I Swear,” while the rest of the men seethe with fury inside the McMANsion. Guys, guys! This is simply a failure of imagination on your part. It’s not like All-4-One had anything better to do, Wells was just the only one to think to ask.
Christian (see above): Mr. Intensity rides in on a motorcycle, causing Jojo the Unicorn to mistake him for a “bad boy.” No, honey, he’s not dangerous to anything but your ability to sleep in.
Luke (see above): As his big gesture, our cowboy from Burnet rides in on a white horse onto whom someone has strapped a limp horn. Jojo the Unicorn is delighted. As Cowboy Luke gets off of the horse, Coconut, the poor, embarrassed creature, turns and walks away, asking for directions to the nearest glue factory.
Now that we’ve met all of this season’s Man-Apes and their questionable choices in coiffure, it’s time for awkward small talk and people drinking waaaaaay too much. TO THE TEQUILA!
After the obligatory toast, G.I. Joe is the first to take Jojo the Unicorn aside where he promptly demands she sit on his back while he does push-ups because Napoleon complex.
We then are forced into a long “Everyone Is Nervous Because the Alcohol Hasn’t Set In Yet” segment where we suffer along with Jojo the Unicorn through multiple boring conversations that we all immediately forget. This is all basically a set-up so for when she has a conversation with Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother, so we can see that they have instant chemistry. Can we just give him the final rose and go home, please?
OH FINE. So she has conversations with some other guys, including that Joker who tricks her into awkwardly giving him a kiss through one of those kid fortune teller things, which isn’t cute, it’s just creepy. But it does make Jojo the Unicorn decide that she needs to find Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother and kiss him on the Driveway of Rejection. Great, we’re done here. Y’all wake me up when Bachelor in Paradise begins.
FINE. I’ll keep going. BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING TO END.
Chris Harrison delivers the first impression rose which causes everyone to FREAK OUT, except for that treat, Chad, who rolls his eyes at the other men talking about their fee-fees. Chad then proceeds to sit Jojo the Unicorn down and talk about how he’s in a place emotionally to take the next step, and thought that doing something as crazy as this might help him find that special person. Jojo the Unicorn goes on to describe Chad as “vulnerable” and “soft” and “endearing.” He follows up their conversation by assuring us that he is confident that “if [he] wanted her, [he] could have her.” And with that, ladies and gentlemen, at the 75-minute mark of the season, we have our Villain. Way to go, Jackhole!
As for Lucifer, he uses his time with Jojo the Unicorn to explain his “Damn, Daniel” “joke,” asking her if she’s even been “following the internet for the past couple months.”
Then, after explaining to someone else that he’s had one fireball, two tequilas and two vodkas so far that evening, Lucifer tries to put his finger in that Boner guy’s belly button.
And if that was not enough, Lucifer then strips down to his underwear, shows off his “Lambo” to the cameras and promptly leaps into the pool.
He might be done, but Splitsville and Toasty are also so drunk that they independently stumble into Jojo the Unicorn’s interview session, interrupting it. In fact, Toasty is so toasted that he makes use of his time assuring Jojo the Unicorn that he will “never make [her] beg for [his] love on the bathroom floor.”
The other men, to their credit, do better: Ali plays “Moonlight Sonata” on the piano for her; Cowboy Luke gives her cowboy boots; James Taylor is polite and doesn’t talk about his genitals or bathroom floors. Look, it’s a really low bar at this point.
Jojo the Unicorn finally grabs the first impression rose and, despite claiming that it was “really hard to choose” who she was going to give it to, goes and gives it to Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DID. Seriously, we’re going to waste 10 weeks of our lives on this? Are you sure?
With the first impression rose taken care of, we can FINALLY get to the business of handing out the rest of the roses. Except, haha, no we can’t, because as Jojo the Unicorn is about to hand out the first rose, another limo pulls up.
And who should get out of the car but the smarmy former Bachelor, Jake Pavelka, who is some 13 years Jojo the Unicorn’s senior and NEEDS TO GO HOME ALREADY. As it turns out, Pavelka is a Fletcher family friend and knows Jojo the Unicorn’s creeptastic older brothers. Fortunately, he is not actually here to join the other bachelors, THANK THE BACHELOR GODS, because that would just be layers of ick. Layers upon layers. Instead, he’s there to offer her the sage advice to “go with [her] gut.” WOW. THAT WAS DEFINITELY WORTH ALL OF THIS HOO-HA, CAPTAIN DUMMY.
And with that nonsense out of the way, we can finally start cutting the deep V and Axe Body Spray load in this house:
Rose #1: Cowboy Luke
Rose #2: All-4-Wells
Rose #3: James Taylor
Rose #4: Grant
Rose #5: Derek
Rose #6: Mr. Intensity
Rose #7: Chad the Villain
Rose #8: Chase
Rose #9: G.I. Joe
Rose #10: Fun Robby
Rose #11: Hipster
Rose #12: Rocky Balboa
Rose #13: Ali
Rose #14: St. Nick
Rose #15: The Joker
Rose #16: Bachelor Superfan
Rose #17: Toasted
Rose #18: Boner
Rose #19: Lucifer
Which means, goodbye, Coley, whoever you were, and whatever that name is. Goodbye, Peter, and you can go ahead take that plush CVS heart with you, honey. Goodbye, Jake. You seemed like a nice guy, sorry we didn’t get to know you better, but thems the breaks. Goodbye, Nick S., you might want to think harder about that bandana choice. Goodbye, Sal. Next time how about you don’t introduce yourself to a woman by making a testicle joke. And Goodbye, Jonathan. I want it to be really clear that it wasn’t the kilt that sent you home. It was the penis talk and racist joke that did it, buddy.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site, Chron.com