Bachelor in Paradise
August 25, 2014
4 HOURS of this nonsense last week. 4 HOURS. WHY? WHY, CHRIS HARRISON? WHYYYYYYYY?
Last week, I already was contending with the Emmys, and my kind and gentle bosses at Chron.com asked if I would please give them a Fall TV Guide, and of course America’s Got Talent keeps on going forever and ever, and I was also staring down the barrel of a September TV calendar that I have not, as of September 1st, actually completed, and YOU JERKS DECIDE TO AIR 4 HOURS OF THIS PAP THIS WEEK? Well, thanks for ruining my Labor Day Weekend, everyone.
I won’t forget this, Chris Harrison. Oh, no, I shall NOT FORGET THIS. A CURSE UPON YOUR HOUSE, HARRISON.
So. Following the wacky rose ceremony where Smug Chris whisked the delusional Elise back to Chicago with him so as to dump her off-camera, everyone is left reeling at the turn of events, most of all Michelle “OG Villianess” who was granted a reprieve and another opportunity to leave “Paradise” with a venereal disease all her own. And then everyone does the very complicated math, realizing that since Smug Chris left early, there are now only 5 men, which means only one guy will be sent home at the next rose ceremony! Hooray! Unless, of course, The Producers send in 3 men from their stable of waxed Cro-Magnons instead of just the usual 2. This, however, never occurs to these dummies on account of them being dumb dummies.
When the rejects return to the main treehouse, they discover a date card waiting for them addressed to Human Directional, and, for reasons that completely escape your trusty blogger, OG actually thinks she stands a chance of being asked, even though not five minutes earlier Human Directional essentially tried to send her back home to Salt Lake City by offering Buster his rose. Still, I suppose you don’t find yourself on one of these shows if there isn’t a deep wellspring of misplaced confidence and rabid self-delusion coursing through your soul. And so, OG fervently hopes against the painfully obvious, which finds her crushed when he asks Buster to come with him on his date. In response, OG locks herself in the bathroom with Graham where she sobs and moans oh so pitifully about how she’s never going to find love on account of being a mother, and not because she is a wild-eyed crazy person reeking of desperation and abandonment issues.
But OG isn’t a bad person, and so she does Buster’s hair for Buster’s date, because sisterhood or something.
Buster and Human go on their snorkeling date where they snorkel and it is so very boring. Like, it’s crazy boring. Like, you wouldn’t think watching a one-armed woman flailing around in the ocean could be boring, but somehow, thanks to their lack of chemistry and the black hole of charisma these two create when they are together, it is the most boring thing EVER. So boring. I honestly don’t know what it would have taken to make this date interesting. Maybe a Sharknado? Maybe if a Sharknado happened and Buster went all Tara Reid and attached a buzzsaw to her missing arm and saved herself but Human Directional was still eaten, she just couldn’t get to him in time, that would have made this date not boring.
Back at Playa del Rejection, OG is still pouting about being not chosen by the guy who was never going to choose her when the next Reject arrives: CODY! from Andi’s season. CODY! comes bearing a date card and just cuts right to the chase, asking Niña de Papá to GO OUT WITH CODY!, because for whatever reason, I can’t for the life of me think of what it might be, everyone wants to
get into Niña de Papá’s pants date Niña de Papá. Niña de Papá, who is involved in a Very Serious 36-hour relationship with Some Guy Named Zack, You Know, The One With The Pepperoni Nipples, takes CODY! for a walk down the beach to let him down gently. But CODY! who has the comprehension skills of a brain-damaged Golden Retriever, insists that CODY! CAME TO PLAYA DEL CHLAMYDIA FOR HER! AND HER ALONE! CODY! ONLY WANT TO DATE NIÑA DE PAPÁ!
And this is how Niña de Papá finds herself going back to Pepperoni Nipples to explain that CODY! wants to take her out. And I suppose Niña de Papá was looking for Pepperoni Nipples to fly into a jealous rage, or, alternatively, drop to one knee and propose right then and there, lest he should lose her forever to a bleached mono-syllabic personal trainer she met literally five minutes ago. Instead, Pepperoni Nipples shrugs and is like, “Whatever, that’s cool.” Niña de Papá, taken aback by Pepperoni Nipples’ ambivalence, asks him what he would do if one of the other women asked him out, and is stunned when he basically says it depends on the woman. WELL GREAT, Niña de Papá declares, AND HERE I’VE BEEN PUTTING ALL MY EGGS IN YOUR BASKET WHEN YOU DIDN’T WANT MY EGGS AT ALL. Reminds me of something Dorothy Parker said once …
Pepperoni Nipples tries to claim that Niña de Papá is welcome to put all of her eggs anywhere she wants, but no one is convinced, least of all Niña de Papá who stomps off in a snit, leaving Pepperoni Nipples to retreat back to the treehouse and wonder how he ended up maybe breaking up with someone with whom he didn’t realize he was in a committed relationship. But, wait, did they break up? Pepperoni Nipples is so confused. WELCOME TO CLARE-A-DISE, PEPPERONI NIPPLES.
Niña de Papá, meanwhile, goes to find CODY! to inform him that she will not be going on the date with him, lest it create any problems in her relationship with Ol’ Pepperoni Nipples. GIRL! YOU KILLING CODY! NO TELL CODY! NO! But tell CODY! no she must, lest she damage this special, beautiful thing she and Pepperoni Nipples created 2 days ago.
So CODY! decides that there just isn’t anyone else at Playa del Valtrex he can sit through a dinner with, and I’m not convinced that any of these idiots realize that the point of this show is not to get married at the end? This is not The Bachelor or The Bachelorette! No proposals will be happening! Neil Lane will not be visiting the set! They can just go out and have dinner with one other, there’s no commitment! Chris Harrison isn’t going to show up at the end of the date and try to marry them. In any event, CODY! offers Texas Pole the date card — not to go with CODY! on the date, disappointingly — but to take
Triple Double Threat out, instead.
And so Texas and
Triple Double Threat go to dinner and sorta kinda tell one another that they are in love with each other, and I just can not with these cretins. YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE. THAT’S JUST YOUR PANTS TALKING.
But we’re still not done with the Niña de Papá and Pepperoni Nipples saga, and so the two of them discuss eggs and baskets some more because not one of these idiots can go more than five minutes without invoking some miserable cliché. Niña de Papá notes that she’s seen the way Pepperoni Nipples looks at Lipstick, does he want to date her? “No?” Pepperoni Nipples unconvincingly replies, “Not that much?” This is good enough for Niña de Papá because she wants it to be, and she declares that Pepperoni Nipples is invested in only her, a promise that must have happened off-camera, because we certainly did not see or hear him say anything of the sort.
At the beach, the Rejects are hanging out around the campfire when the next new man approaches, and to everyone’s disappointment and chagrin it’s none other than Houston’s Pride: Kalon “Dru-Zod.” UGH, THIS GUY, everyone says, because, ugh. This guy. But no one is more irritated to see Kalon Dru-Zod than OG, having received the tearful phone calls from St. Emily after Kalon Dru-Zod posted pictures of a luggage claim at an airport with the caption, “Waiting for St. Emily,” after having refered to her daughter as “baggage.” Which, while terrible, is also pretty funny. BUT TERRIBLE, he’s The Worst. And so of course it is OG that Kalon Dru-Zod asks to come on the date with him, of course it is, because, as he explains, he’d like to zip-line directly into her kaas, and that he’d “motorboat the mierda out of that.”
Nothing but charm, this one. And OG accepts his invitation out of sheer impulse or something, there’s no explaining it.
Sure enough, OG returns to her senses the next morning, and tells Kalon Dru-Zod in no uncertain terms that he is a douchebag and that she will not, in fact, be joining him on his date. Sorry, she is most certainly not sorry.
But it takes a lot more than a humiliating rejection to deter Kalon Dru-Zod, and so he approaches Lipstick and Buster who are sunbathing, greeting them as “sun-lizards,” before asking Lipstick if she would like to join him on the date. “NO, GOD, GROSS,” Lipstick replies. So Kalon Dru-Zod asks Buster who is like, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU JUST CALLED ME A LIZARD. NO. GO AWAY. YOU ARE HORRIBLE.”
His options exhausted, Kalon Dru-Zod decides to take the one person he is most attracted to at Playa del Perdedores on the date: himself. And I would just leave it at that — it’s as fitting an image as anything could possibly be — except that Kalon Dru-Zod NEVER STOPS BEING AWFUL. It’s a cave spelunking “date,” and Kalon Dru-Zod explains that he’s never rapelled into a giant Mexican hole, but that he has been in “a tight Mexican hole” before.
Ugh. Enough. Enough out of you. Go back to Planet Jackass.
Back at Playa Desesperación, a third man does arrive because of course a third man arrives, did these idiots really think they were only going to have one elimination this week? (Yes, that’s exactly what these idiots thought.) The new guy is something called a “Jesse” from some season that I neither blogged nor watched, so I have exactly zero feels about him going in. That changes as soon as this fool whips his shirt off — which is immediately upon arrival — because THESE PECS MUST RUN FREE.
Jesse asks Lipstick out on his date, and she’s all, “ABSOLUTELY, YES PLEASE.” This does not sit well with everyone.
So Jesse and Lipstick go to dinner in a cave somewhere, as you do, and Jesse, who knows he has to act fast to earn her rose in the next day’s rose ceremony, does not shut up for one half of one second. “YOU HAVE TO LOOK SOMEONE IN THE EYE WHEN YOU MAKE A TOAST OR YOU WILL HAVE SEVEN YEARS OF BAD SEX YOU ARE WEARING A DRESS I AM VERY SURPRISED YOU ARE WEARING A DRESS BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT WEARING A DRESS WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU YOU WERE WEARING A BIKINI AND NOT A DRESS AND I FELT A CERTAIN GOOD VIBE FROM YOU WHEN I SAW YOU IN YOUR BIKINI IT WAS A GOOD VIBE IN MY BATHING SUIT AREA AND YOU DID NOT SEEM CLOSED OFF AND THAT IS WHY I ASKED YOU OUT ON THIS DATE BECAUSE OF YOUR BIKINI BUT NOW YOU ARE WEARING A DRESS.”
Lipstick, to her credit, asks if he isn’t just strategizing for a rose, and you can actually see the very moment when Jesse’s brain stops functioning. It just completely shuts down. After 30, 40 minutes, it fires back up again, and he begins yammering that, “SHE JUST SEEMED LIKE A REALLY COOL GIRL WHO IS CUTE AND FUNNY AND HE’S NOT FAKE AND THIS IS NOT STRATEGERY SHE’S JUST SOMEONE THAT HE COULD SEE HIMSELF WITH SHE’S THE WHOLE PACKAGE AND SHE’S WEARING A DRESS.” And Lipstick, who need I remind you is a complete moron, is like, “Cool, that sounds cool.” Jesse then confesses in an interview that he hopes Lipstick doesn’t send him home lest he “miss out on ‘meeting’ the other girls.” And by “meeting” he means “meeting their private business.”
Meanwhile back at the beach, CODY! gives OG a gross, gross, gross backrub that is so very gross. Please, someone, make it stop.
OK, SO, THEN. The next day, CrazLee is hanging out with Pepperoni Nipples and for reasons that are unclear, she is busily burbling at him about how he needs to be careful not to get himself tied down to Niña de Papá, you know, with her reputation for having sex with people in the ocean and everything.
To Pepperoni Nipples’ credit, he half-protests that he didn’t think Niña de Papá actually went that far with Juan Pablo (even though we all know she totally did, but that’s not the point), but CrazLee insists that she did, and boy howdy, is she glad there aren’t any cameras on them right about now! Of course there is a camera on them, there are always cameras on them, and Pepperoni Nipples points it out to her. After first waving it off as just a lamp, it slowly dawns on CrazLee that in fact it is a camera and she was just filmed being a total puta for no appreciable reason.
CrazLee begins to panic. And in her panic, CrazLee proceeds to go around to everyone in the house — except, pointedly, for Niña de Papá and Graham — and tell them what she said about Niña de Papá because she is an idiot who doesn’t understand how gossip works. And sure enough,
Triple Double Threat immediately tattles on CrazLee to Niña de Papá, who responds appropriately.
Niña de Papá first confronts Pepperoni Nipples: Did CrazLee say this, what did you say in return, and why didn’t you tell me immediately? But stupid, stupid Pepperoni Nipples, instead of telling her that in fact he told CrazLee that he was pretty sure Niña de Papá did not make the sex times in the ocean with Juan Pablo, he keeps saying things like, “I don’t want to get into the middle of this” and “what was I supposed to do?” and “I don’t play gossip games.” None of these is helpful, and they only serve to make Niña de Papá angrier.
Niña de Papá then takes CrazLee aside and is like, GURL. GURL! CrazLee admits that she said that Niña de Papá is a slutty slut who sluts in the ocean all the time, but she is sorry! She didn’t mean to! She was just repeating what the show said! She is really sorry! Can they hug it out now? But Niña de Papá is NOT HAVING IT.
And so CrazLee stalks off, whining about how she works so hard on her character, and she makes a conscious decision to help everyone else and how her feelings are so hurt before calling Niña de Papá a pinche puta because she is the least self-aware person on this show WHICH IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.
Finally, Chris Harrison rounds up all the dummies for the pre-rose ceremony drinky time. The typical maneuvering happens — CODY! guarantees that OG will give him her rose; Cookie Monster and Jesse wring their hands over receiving Lipstick’s rose; and Kalon Dru-Zod is all:
At some point during the night, OG realizes that her buddy Graham has no idea what CrazLee and Niña de Papá’s fight was about, and so she takes him aside to let him know what his crazy TV girlfriend has been up to when she thought there weren’t any cameras around. Graham is Not Amused.
But before he can ask CrazLee about it, Chris Harrison returns and lines everyone up for the lady-led rose ceremony.
TripleDouble Threat offers Texas her rose; he accepts it.
- Niña de Papá offers Pepperoni Nipples her rose: he accepts it.
- CrazLee offers Graham her rose; Graham … stumbles away, saying that he needs a moment.
As Graham makes his way past the crew and towards the bathroom, OG chases after him, all the while CrazLee just stands there at the rose table with a tight smile on her face, waiting.
And that’s when we receive the promise (threat?) that this is:
Bachelor in Paradise airs 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC. Make sure you are current on all of your shots before viewing.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.