Bachelor in Paradise
August 4, 2014
Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise. I have so many questions.
But first, let’s try to figure out what fresh hell The Bachelor Producers have prepared for us this summer.
So, instead of gathering an assortment of Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects, shoving them into an increasingly thread-bare and chlamydia-laced Bachelor Mansion, making them perform circus monkey tricks for a potential cash prize and calling it “Bachelor Pad,” The Producers took a year off, built a bunch of (hopefully) body-lice-resistant tree houses on a beach in Mexico — because that country hasn’t already been through enough in recent years — gathered an assortment of Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects whom we barely remember and flew them to another country to participate in a reality competition whose very purpose and rules said rejects do not know and called it “Bachelor in Paradise.” Upon arriving in a foreign country and shown to the tree houses where they will be held captive for an unknown period of time, the 13 rejects are introduced to one another and are finally told what they are doing here: find love or DIE TRYING. Chris Harrison explains — very slowly and using as many monosyllabic words as possible — that some, but not all, of the 6 men and 7 women there will go on “Bachelor-like” dates during the week. At the end of the week there will be a rose ceremony where the 6 men will offer roses to the 6 women they want to keep trapped with them in this cesspool of STDs and desperation, sending 1 woman back to the United States to think long and hard about how she is now, officially, a double reject from The Bachelor family of reality dating shows.
Our rejects include:
- Clare, a.k.a. Niña de Papá from Juan Pablo’s season. After being slut-shamed REPEATEDLY by Juan Pablo and sticking around anyway, Niña de Papá had her big “You Tell Him!” moment after Juan Pablo rejected her in favor of a disturbingly unhealthy relationship with Nurse Nikki. Niña de Papá wants you to know that she is ready to fall in love and be the one to be pursued by someone and she is not ever going to stop with the stupid little smug faces that make her so very punchable.
- Marcus, a.k.a. Texas Pole from Andi’s season. He’s pretty sure he is still not over Andi, he is completely heartbroken, a position he will maintain for about five whole hours.
- Sarah, a.k.a. Buster, who informs us that following Dallas Sean rejecting her, she has become less insecure and apologetic about only having one arm NOT THAT ONLY HAVING ONE ARM DEFINES HER, YOU GUYS, BECAUSE IT TOTALLY DOES NOT. SHE IS MORE THAN THE SUM OF HER ONE ARM.
- Marquel, a.k.a. Cookie Monster, a.k.a. The New Bachelor if The Producers had any damn sense.
- Daniella, a.k.a. Hand Jive, who earned her nickname on Dallas Sean’s season by doing some stupid complicated hand gesture upon leaving the limo on her first night, and about whom I can not remember a single other thing. According to my recap at the time, she did make this face when Dallas Sean rejected her:
She claims she is weird and outgoing and makes jokes. This remains to be seen.
- Graham, a.k.a. no nickname just yet, from Deanna Pappa’s season. I do not have a nickname for Graham, despite his appearance in the second season of Bachelor Pad because I did not recap Deanna Pappa’s season. There was so much less box wine in my life back then. Ah, good times. A number of the women say that Graham is “mature” but in a “good way.” He is 35, for the record.
- Lacy, a.k.a. no nickname just yet because Juan Pablo sent her packing the first night. But she was the one who opened up her own elderly care center before she was 30? She has 10 siblings? She gave Juan Pablo a pill bottle when she got out of the limo, either as a joke or a warning, it’s unclear? Ringing any bells?
- Ben S., a.k.a. Prop Daddy, so called because he used his son as a shameless prop in an attempt to gain Princess Desiree’s affections/get far enough along in the season to become the next Bachelor. He was successful at neither.
- Michelle K., a.k.a. no nickname just yet because she was on Jake Pavelka’s season and I did not do Jake Pavelka’s season, thank you, sweet Reality Television Jesus. According to the other rejects, she has a reputation for being a weirdo, might possibly be a villain. ~shrug~
- Robert, a.k.a. the Human Directional, because he tried to claim on Princess Desiree’s season that he invented that thing where people stand on the corner and spin signs. No one actually believes this.
- Dylan, a.k.a. Gordon Gekko from Andi’s season, although he appears to have finally cut his Gordon Gekko-esque hair, so I don’t know where this leaves me nickname-wise. He seems not at all upset at having been dumped by Andi. But considering his family history, maybe he just has that rarest attribute amongst Bachelor rejects: perspective.
- Elise, a.k.a. no nickname just yet because she was so utterly unremarkable during Juan Pablo’s season that I never came up with one for her. She arrives wearing impractical, improbably high heels and teeters her way over to the tree houses where she meets Gordon Gekko and declares that it’s “love at first sight.” This should go well.
- AshLee, a.k.a. AshleY, a.k.a. AsHlEe a.k.a. OH GOD, ARE YOU CRYING AGAIN? from Dallas Sean’s season. She explains to us that she is here for one reason and one reason only: to marry Graham and have all of his babies. Note: She has never actually met Graham. Related: Someone needs to adjust Azzzleeee’s meds again.
So Chris Harrison rounds up all the dummies and is like, “Alright, Dummies, so, everyone is single, right?” And that Michelle K. person who I know nothing about gives an unconvincing, “Maybe?” which so upsets Graham, that he gets up from his seat next to her and sits next to Human Directional, who has somehow already managed to lose his shirt. THEY HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ALL OF FIVE MINUTES AND HE HAS ALREADY MISPLACED HIS SHIRT.
This is going to be a long season.
Chris Harrison then details the previously-explained game play: dates; roses; adiós, Double Reject; repeat.
Buster is shocked, SHOCKED! to hear that there are going to be eliminations — NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ELIMINATIONS! And let this be a lesson to you, Buster: this is what happens when you allow yourself to be shipped off to a foreign country without ASKING ANY QUESTIONS.
The rejects explore their new home and most sit down to gossip about who they are attracted to, all but for Lacy and Human Directional who sneak off into the ocean to rub their body parts together while everyone watches and gapes and clutches their pearls as if they did not come here to also rub their body parts on strangers’ body parts for two months, come on.
Later, while everyone is toasting themselves for being a bunch of dumb reality show rejects, Texas Pole just can’t enjoy himself, so broken-hearted he is over Andi. So he decides to have a sad, pantless walk in the ocean, you know, like you do. Despite having rubbed her body parts on Human Directional just a few hours earlier, Lacy decides to try rubbing her body parts on Texas Pole, for comparison, I suppose. And everyone watches and gapes and clutches their pearls as if each and every single one of them didn’t plan to come here and rub their body parts on multiple strangers’ body parts, COME. ON.
Human Directional, however, decides that since he rubbed his body parts on Lacy first she’s “[his] girl” and when she returns from grinding on Texas Pole he proceeds to give her some grief before explaining that Lacy is a “triple threat:”
a dancer, actor and singer beautiful, smart and independent. This remains to be seen.
Also going into the ocean to rub body parts: Elise and Gordon Gekko. Niña de Papá and Texas Pole just sit on the beach and watch, giving us the completely unnecessary play-by-play.
This is going to be a long season.
The next morning, Graham and Achli take a walk on the beach together, where Achli tells him that she had hoped he’d be on the cast and explains to us that she thinks he’s “great” and she “follows him on some social media.” Graham seems flattered by the attention, but that’s just because he doesn’t hear her in the interview explaining that she is “SO SO READY FOR ROMANTIC TIME” with Graham and she “WANT[S] TO LOVE ON HIM AND KISS ON HIM BUT NOT BE OVERBEARING.”
The first card arrives, and it is addressed to Niña de Papá, who gets to ask anyone she wants (as long as that anyone is a man, obviously, because this is a heteronormative show, you guys, never forget) to join her: “Nothing can ruin this day.” Seeing as they are in Tulum, Brainiac immediately figures out that her date will involve Mayan ruins, which IS TOTALLY AMAZING, YOU GUYS, BECAUSE SHE HAD A DREAM OF HERSELF STANDING ON A RUIN HOLDING HER ARMS UP, IT’S A SIGN!!! And then Niña de Papá asks Graham to go on the date, and he accepts and then Achli’s head explodes right off of her body.
Achli locks herself in the bathroom where she begins ranting that she is SO MAD AT GRAHAM and that HE COULDN’T BE LOYAL FOR 24 HOURS and SHE IS HERE FOR HIM so WHY IS SHE EVEN HERE? Hand Jive goes to check on Crazy, or CrazLee as she is now newly Christened, and listens as CrazLee rants that SHE IS NOT GOING TO FIGHT ALL THE GIRLS FOR GRAHAM and that EVERYONE KNOWS GRAHAM AND CRAZLEE ARE THE ONLY NORMAL PEOPLE THERE.
Eventually, Niña de Papá realizes that CrazLee is having a full-blown psychological event, and asks if CrazLee is crying or if that’s just “sweat on [her] boobs” which is pretty hilarious. CrazLee doesn’t answer but instead storms back into the bathroom to yell that Niña de Papá is a SLUT who SLEPT WITH JUAN PABLO, as if she herself wouldn’t have taken full advantage of the Fantasy Suite with Dallas Sean if he hadn’t been a born-again virgin, which, you will recall, IS NOT A THING. And, also, too, NIÑA DE PAPÁ ISN’T THAT PRETTY.
So, Niña de Papá goes outside where — and I am not making this up — The Producers make it look like she delivers a monologue to a raccoon about how she doesn’t want drama, she just wants everyone to be happy, WHO NEEDS ALL THIS DRAMA? The raccoon has no answers for Niña de Papá.
So Niña de Papá takes CrazLee aside and informs her that on account of her psychological instability, she is going to rescind her invitation to Graham. THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY? Niña de Papá then does just that, before asking Human Directional if he would like to be Niña de Papá’s second choice. And he agrees because what else does he have to do with his day, having already waxed his chest before flying to Mexico.
Meanwhile, Graham tries to talk to CrazLee about her being COMPLETELY INSANE, but she passive aggressively refuses to even speak to him until the next day. And that, Graham, is why you:
So then Niña de Papá and Human Directional go to the ruins, where Niña de Papá helpfully explains they walked out onto a “vista,” but that she doesn’t “even know what a vista is, but [they] walked out to it.” I literally have no idea how these people dress themselves, much less make it through an entire day without setting themselves on fire or drowning while drinking a glass of water or trying to take a bath with a plugged-in hairdryer in an attempt to be efficient.
At the ruins, Human Directional is attacked by fire ants. Unsurprisingly, his response is to remove his shirt. Somehow, I suspect this is his response to most situations. Attacked by fire ants? Take off shirt. Need more ice in drink? Take off shirt. Watch potential love interest rub body parts on someone else’s body parts? Take off shirt.
They eventually make it to the top of the ruins where Niña de Papá takes a picture with her stupid Titanic pose and they two take some selfies and Niña de Papá declares she thinks this will be “Clare-a-dise.” There is absolutely, positively no chemistry between them, though Niña de Papá tries to convince us otherwise.
With Human Directional out on a Mayan ruin rolling around in fire ants, Lacy, i.e. Triple Threat, turns her attentions back to Texas Pole because God forbid she not be the center of male attention for five whole minutes. But then Buster receives a date card that reads, “Look before you leap,” and she asks Texas Pole to come with her. He agrees, thereby leaving Triple Threat with no part-rubbing partners in the house for a few minutes. Sad trombone here.
Buster and Texas Pole are sent to a cave that hides a secret swimming hole which they are forced to jump into from a high platform, because this yet another stupid Bachelor metaphor for falling in love, they just can not get enough of them. Buster then announces that she is going to kiss Texas Pole, and he’s like, “Ugh, whatever,” and they kiss and there is absolutely, positively no chemistry between them, though Buster tries to convince us otherwise.
Meanwhile, Human Directional and Niña de Papá return to the house where Triple Threat grills him on whether or not he kissed Niña de Papá. Instead of returning fire and asking if she managed to keep all her parts off of someone else while he was gone, Human Directional assures her he did not kiss Niña de Papá.
And that’s when Michelle “The OG Villainess” Money unexpectedly arrives, sending all the ladies into a complete tizzy when they do the math and realize that now 2 of them will be going home on el avión de doble rechazo.
Upon arriving, OG learns that she has a date card, and she immediately asks to speak to Graham privately, making CrazLee’s head spin around 360 degrees. It seems that OG and Graham fell in “love” during their time on Bachelor Pad, and though they are not together, he is one of the most important people in her life. The two discuss how “something happened” between them, something “amazing” and “beautiful” but that’s all we know because suddenly they are doing some complicated secret hand shake and the clip is over, leaving me to assume that they have some sort of agreement to “date” other people but save one another, in the event that one of them is in danger of being sent home. But that’s just a guess.
The next morning, concerned that OG asked Graham out on her date, CrazLee is in FULL PANIC MODE, and takes him out on a walk where she apologizes for being so impossibly crazy the day before, and Graham is like, “WHATEVER, CRAZLEE,” before giving her an awkward, I’m-not-interested-in-you-you-crazy Duggar side-hug.
OG, however, did not ask Graham out on this date, but instead asks Cookie Monster, because YES, COOKIE MONSTER. The pair ride horses on the beach and hang out and talk and insist that they have made a connection. There is absolutely, positively no chemistry between them, though OG tries to convince us otherwise.
Meanwhile, the last date card is delivered to Triple Threat who now has to choose between asking Human Directional and Texas Pole to join her todsew23 rub their parts on her parts. She tearfully explains in an interview that she just is not sure who to ask and that she is torn “80/40.”
What was that about being a “triple threat” again?
In the end, she chooses Human Directional, sending Texas Pole reeling even though he was SO VERY IN LOVE WITH ANDI WHEN SHALL HIS HEART EVER HEAL?!?? not a day ago.
Human Directional and
Triple Double Threat have dinner and then get into the ocean to rub their parts together because that’s what Triple Double Threat do.
Meanwhile, back at the tree house, Texas Pole wrings his hands, confused as to whom to offer his rose: to
Triple Double Threat for whom he has real feelings (in his pants) or to Buster, who is nice enough, he supposes.
Finally, FINALLY, the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. The lady rejects busily do the complicated math of figuring out who among them is safe and guaranteed roses (OG, Elise, CrazLee and
Triple Double Threat); who is pretty much guaranteed a flight back on Rechazar Aire (that Michelle K. person); and who is in danger (Buster, Niña de Papá and Hand Jive). And then everyone in that last set of parentheses frantically run around trying to make nice with Prop Daddy and Texas Pole until Chris Harrison arrives to tell them to line up.
Cookie Monster is first to offer a rose, but before he can give it to OG, that Michelle K. person wakes up from whatever fever dream brought her here int he first place and interrupts to announce that SHE IS OUTTA HERE.
And everyone just kind of shrugs, because who was she again? In the Van de Adiós, Michelle K. coyly suggests that she might already be in love, but who even cares because WHO IS SHE AGAIN?
Back to the rose ceremony:
- Cookie Monster offers OG his rose; she accepts.
- Graham offers CrazLee his rose because he is terrified of not offering it to her; she accepts.
- Gordon Gekko offers Elise his rose; she accepts, noting that she would have told him that she loved him, but it’s too soon.
- Texas Pole offers his rose to
TripleDouble Threat; she accepts, sending Human Directional directionless: NOW WHO IS HE SUPPOSED TO GIVE HIS ROSE TO?
- Human Directional offers Niña de Papá his rose, because, SIGH, sure, why not; she accepts and announces there is still hope for “Clare-a-dise” because Niña de Papá is nothing if not so very punchable.
- Prop Daddy offers his rose to Buster because he’s not going to be the bad guy to send the one-armed girl home; she accepts.
Hand Jive is thusly dismissed from Clare-a-dise, and she makes this face in the Van de Adiós:
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
- What jobs do these people have that allow them to take two months off to go rub their body parts on strangers’ body parts?
- Related: Who would hire these idiots in the first place? They can’t figure out how to wear shirts much less how to use a cash register.
- Did The Bachelor Producers have to get special permission from the government of Mexico to allow this biohazard to take place on their beaches?
- Related: Does the World Health Organization know that we are taking our Bachelor strains across international borders, or did The Producers take advantage of the distraction of the Ebola crisis to pull this off?
- Or were The Bachelor Producers actually being proactive and filming this in Mexico because of the readily available pharmaceuticals, both antibiotic and neurological?
- Exactly how many psychologists do The Producers have on staff, and are they sure that’s enough for CrazLee? But are they sure?
- A raccoon? Really, guys?
- Which one of you is going to buy my next 6 cases of
box winetequila to help me get through this season?
- Is this the best iteration of The Bachelor franchise or the VERY BEST iteration of The Bachelor franchise? Pero en serio, aunque.
Bachelor in Paradise airs 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC. Make sure you are current on all of your shots before viewing.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.