No, your eyes don’t deceive you. That is Zosia Mamet, best known as Shoshanna from HBO Girls, getting hoisted up in a pink body suit on Olympic ice. It’s from the brilliant Shoshi Games 2014 tumblr. Sure, it’s a Photoshop job, but you could totally see that outfit being word by any number of twenty-somethings in Brooklyn. Plus, Shosh would totes be a pairs skater.
Speaking of pairs skating! Tonight we got to see Russia’s return to dominance in the pairs free program. Their star skaters, Maxim Trankov and Tatiana Volosozhar bear more than a passing resemblance to the bartender neighbor from Shameless and Angela from The Office. According to the video package, everyone in Russia wants to know if these two are dating. There’s some hilarious maybe-sort of denials happening. I think he says something like “If you think we have some romantic things, yes, we have.” But then she’s all “We are more than boyfriend, girlfriend, we are sports family.” I don’t even know. Wait, that’s not right. I don’t even care.
Lame implied romances aside, the pairs programs are pretty amazing. I know these ladies are probably 70 lbs soaking wet, but it’s still seems impressive to see someone hold them in the air with one hand or toss them rilly, rilly high while skating.
I also love the costumes and music choices. The first pair we see are Americans Castelli and Shnapir. He’s supposed to be James Bond, but just looks like a dad. They attempt a quad throw salchow (which until this point I had no idea how to spell), and it doesn’t go over flawlessly. Apparently, it’s a trick that’s never been attempted on Olympic ice. She spins around in the air four times, but lands hard, taking a step or two. It’s not enough to get them on the podium.
Then we have back-to-back Russian teams. The first, Ksenia Stolbova and Fedor Klimov, do an Addams Family-themed routine for reasons that are totally unclear. It’s really solid, and it will earn them a silver medal. They’re creepy and they’re kooky, and they’re altogether doing a pretty good job, or whatever.
But we’re here to see the “are they or aren’t they dating?” team Trankov and Volosozhar, who do not disappoint. They’re skating to a song from Jesus Christ Superstar, but it really just sounds like a Myrtle Snow theremin jam. It’s an epic routine, and they know it. When they complete their program, there are a lot of tears and dropping to their knees and screaming.
Also, for a moment, it looked like Trankov had no belly button and it serious freaked me out.
For a moment I was like WHERE IS HIS BELLY BUTTON?! IS THIS LIKE KYLE XY? (@themattdallas ) pic.twitter.com/4YE6leYoVF
— Bobbeyoncé (@bobbeyonce) February 13, 2014
The poor Chinese team has to follow that up with a routine in outfits that are somehow a more gay version of the Dalton Academy Warblers’ blazers. It’s set to a medley of songs from Les Miserables. It’s hard for me to pay attention since I’m just on my couch scream-singing “I Dreamed A Dream.” It’s not important anyway, since they don’t medal.
Finally, we see Germans that fall early in the program and then just basically he throws her around the ice the rest of the time? Like, the very end of their program is him just throwing her wildly through the air and her crashing on the ground on a move that they didn’t even rehearse? Like what? And somehow that still earns them a bronze? I do not understand.
The Russians, predictably take gold (and our Addams Family friends take silver) reasserting the Russian figure skating dominance narrative that NBC has been cramming down my eyeballs all week. Yay!
When we’re not figure skating, we’re doing this, apparently:
WHAT THE WHAT? #olympics https://t.co/mjHkB6r0sc
— Bobbeyoncé (@bobbeyonce) February 13, 2014
But when we’re not doing that, we’re watching downhill skiing. Which is a fine event, and sort of fun to watch, but really, I don’t have too much to say about each individual run because none of them are in sparkly outfits or skiing to songs from Broadway musicals.
We get a little info about the “Forest Drop” part of the course. Apparently the skiers are going at 60 mph down a slope with 70 percent gradation (which is twice the pitch of your roof). They descend the height of the Washington Monument in nine seconds, exceeding 3 G-forces on turns. And all of that sounds super impressive! Until idiot host Steve Porino says they do it all in nothing but a lycra suit “and maybe a little bit of makeup,” because he is a sexist idiot.
Though, if we’re being completely fair, one of the skiers, Tina Maze, could certainly be the next Real Housewife of Slovenia. She’s a skier, obvi, but she’s also a model and a pop star? Observe:
She describes the message of the song as “People should know that they should take a look at me.” So she is essentially the Melissa Gorga of Slovenia. In the canon of auto-tuned, factory-created, pop-star vanity projects, this ranks above “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” but below “Tardy For the Party.”
In a truly thrilling turn of events, Maze ties for gold in the women’s downhill with Swiss skier Dominique Gisin, which is incredible when you consider that they are measuring this down to the hundredth of a second. Sadly, that means no medals for Julia Mancuso, whom everyone was making a big fuss over in this event.
A similar fate befell Shani Davis in the men’s 1000m speed skating event. No medals for him either. I don’t like these two-by-two speed skating events, because they are so boring and all I can do is stare at the strange crotch shapes on everyone’s skin suit.
The night ends with the women’s half-pipe. I feel like the ladies are getting more air than I remember in Vancouver, and they all put on a pretty good show. We get probably the worst video package yet, this time focusing on defending gold medalist Torah Bright. Basically it’s just a few short minutes of her telling us that she wants to win again? Cool. Thanks. Good to know.
Sadly, video package dreams are deferred and she takes silver, ceding the top spot to American Kaitlyn Farrington, who is snowboarding while wearing a nose ring, which just seems unnecessary and a great way to rip off part of your face. I’ll have to check with Steve Porino on how much makeup the snowboarders are wearing or if they’ve got on their petticoats and corsets under those snowsuits and also if it’s OK for them to compete if they have their monthlies.
Also sadly, there was no Mary Carillo package tonight, but I seriously demand you go read this story immediately if you haven’t already. In it, we revisit an epic rant Carillo had about badminton. AND THEN SHE RESPONDS with such grace, humor and self-awareness that it actually accomplishes what I thought to be impossible: It makes me love Mary Carillo even more. She even clues us in on another classic Carillo segment:
On Thursday, Therese will be back for men’s figure skating, more freestyle skiing and speed skating. And, hopefully, more Mary C.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.