The Bachelorette
July 2, 2013
Ciao miei piccoli polli! I am back! Like Princess Desiree, I too recently jetted off to Europe with a group of men of differing ages and various intentions. Unlike Princess Desiree, I did not yodel, nor did I get into something called a “hot tug,” which sounds just filthy, nor did I stop traffic to do polka dances in the street. Instead, I drank copious amounts of non-boxed wine and contemplated what it would have been like living in ancient Rome before the advent of reality television or Chris Harrison. Fortunately, the darling Whitney was here to serve as your Charon through the Bachelorette darkness last week, and I could not be more grateful for her help.
As for our other heroine, having survived hot tubs of questionable sea-worthiness, sledding down what was billed as a black diamond slope, but to my eyes appeared to be the pedestrians’ way down the mountain, being dumped by a bad haircut, and being forced to wear a dirndl on camera, our Princess Desiree is off to sunny Barcelona to cut to the chaff of this competition and make some terrible sketches.
Princess Desiree, having never been to Europe but fancying herself an expert nevertheless, explains that Barcelona is the “perfect place to fall in love,” unlike those otros montones de mierda that they subject The Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants to, like Thailand and St. Lucia and New Zealand.
The waxed manherd is dumped at a beachside bar where Wilford Brimley reminds us that Ol’ Marionette Face was overheard conjecturing at last week’s eliminated meathead, Family First, that if he makes it to the final four he has an excellent shot at becoming the next Bachelor. The other manapes had planned on revealing Marionette Face’s devious, if perhaps delusional, plans to the Princess at the rose cocktail party the week earlier, only to have her abruptly cancel the cocktail party altogether, because no need to dwell on it: time to go, Family First. Pack your V-necks and get out.
Chris Harrison arrives and delivers the first date card to Drew Who is Not Brandon, But Has a Lot of the Same Issues and a Similar, If Less Douchey Face. “Let’s build a foundation for love. Princess Des.” Drew, Who Is Not Brandon, But As We Will See Soon Cries Like Him, makes the tactical decision to not bring Marionette Face’s dastardly plans to Princess Desiree — at least not at the beginning of the date, what is he, stupid?
And so, after yammering about how reserved he is, Princess Desiree meets Drew, Not Brandon, somewhere, La Rambla? who knows, and he immediately shoves his tongue down her throat to everyone’s shock and alarm. Well hola to you, too!
They wander around for a bit, drinking hot chocolate and then drinking from a tiny water fountain which supposedly means that they will return to Barcelona one day, which AHEM, The Trevi Fountain called and they think you’re adorable, Anonymous Barcelona Water Fountain.
Drew, Not Brandon, But Might As Well Be, takes Princess Des to a tapas joint for lunch where, over glasses of wine, he tells her about his father’s alcohol problem and sobs. Have another glass of wine, Princess Desiree, no one — certainly not yours truly — is going to judge you. (Well, Drew, Not Brandon might.)
HEY EVERYBODY THERE IS GOING TO BE A CASTING CALL FOR THE BACHELOR IN AUSTIN ON JULY 11, OMG YOU MUST WAX YOURSELVES AND GO AND SEND ME PICTURES, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU.
That evening, they wander around for a while, listen to street musicians and burble about how romantic and emotional and artistic it all is, before heading into a private courtyard where dinner is waiting for them. After a moment or two, Drew Who is Proving to be More Wiley than Brandon, whispers at her to follow him. Before The Producers or cameramen know what is happening, we’ve got runners! and the two take off to an alleyway where they can make out privately for all of 30 seconds before they are discovered and dragged back to their enclosures.
Princess Desiree gives Drew, Certainly Not Brandon, the date rose, and he’s like, “Awesome, thanks. Hey, by the way, Marionette Face said that he’s trying to make it to the final four so as to become the next Bachelor, thought you should know. K, BYEEEEE!”
Back at the hotel, the manherd receives their group date card: Mumbles, Big Pun, Hashtag D-Bag, Wilford Brimley, Marionette Face, and El Zorro: LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! (with soccer balls in all the Os). El Zorro, former professional soccer player is all, “¡Jajajaja! ¡La rosa, que es la mía!”
The manapes strap on their shin guards and are dumped in front of the RCD Espanyol stadium (who, let’s be honest here, is not as cool as FC Barcelona, but who’s counting), where they are greeted by Princess Des in yoga pants, which Mumbles describes as “workout lingerie.” Oh, please stop talking, Mumbles. I rather like you, but you’ve got to keep that pretty mouth of yours shut, honey. Shhhhh. Meanwhile, Princess Desiree explains that she is NOT HAPPY about what Marionette Face supposedly said, but that she is going to give him the benefit of the doubt. For now. For some reason.
Everyone goes onto the field and dribbles and passes the soccer ball around for a while until Princess Des announces that they are going to play a match against her and her team. She then emerges from the locker room backed by a women’s team and all the manapes hoot and laugh and pound their chests because how hilarious: “girls” as they keep calling them.
The women begin the game by allowing the manapes to score a couple goals against them before unleashing themselves and utterly destroying the men, PORQUE, POR SUPUESTO. And the manapes try to blame Marionette Face for not trying hard enough in the goal, but oh, dummies, no. There was no way you were going to beat a professional women’s soccer team, but in a misogynistic sort of way it’s almost adorable that you thought you might be able to for half a moment there.
The final score is 10-2, women, but only because the women’s goalie literally stepped aside to allow the men to score two pity goals.
Having been soundly and humiliatingly defeated, the manapes and their wounded egos are taken to the cocktail party. There, Princess Desiree takes Big Pun aside in some sort of bedroom (?) to read him some of her own terrible, terrible poetry (“From the first night, one knee on the ground, charming and handsome, instant attraction was found. On top of that roof, overlooking that view, that was the moment I knew sparks grew.” I can not what even is this SPARKS DON’T “GROW.”), and Mumbles aside so that he can tell her that when he’s giving her a stalker stare it just means that he’s “emotionally involved” and not contemplating how to break into her hotel room and steal the hair out of her brush. While those are things that are happening, the other manapes surround Marionette Face to confront him “manape-to-manape” or, more accurately, manape-to-3-other-manapes about his offensive “I’m going to be the first neckless Bachelor!” comment.
Hashtag D-Bag, who, along with Drew, Not Brandon, was the only manape to actually hear Marionette Face’s offensive comments come out of his offensive face while the other men were asleep (read: passed out on beer and yodeling), explains what he heard: that Marionette Face hopes to make it to the final four and be the next Bachelor, and that he and Family First plan on partying with tall girls on Family First’s boat in Chicago when all of this is over. The tiny 20 watt bulb in Marionette Face’s giant head buzzes faintly as he attempts to come up with something, anything to say to refute what he very obviously said, but the best he can come up with is: Wilford Brimley has not been on a 1-on-1 date; the rest of the men are sheep; it’s all hearsay (because he has no idea what “hearsay” is); he didn’t come here to make friends; he’s going to stand up now in a dominance display; it was all Family First, not him; he should be able to say whatever he wants when the cameras and mics aren’t on. Good argument! Case closed! Not guilty!
But despite this very compelling testimony, Hashtag D-Bag decides to tattle to Princes Desiree anyway, validating what Drew, Not Brandon told her on the previous date. Princess Desiree announces DATE OVER, NO ROSE, GET OUT — except you, Marionette Face, you stay.
Princess Desiree confronts Marionette Face with what he most definitely said, and Marionette Face blinks at her gape-mouthed at her for a few moments trying to think of something, anything to say to defend himself. Eventually he comes up with it was all Family First, who he’s pretty sure was “self-medicating.” And I would pay all of the monies to have had a camera in Family First’s living room to see his reaction to that little bit of throw-under-the-busery, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? But Marionette Face continues, squeezing out a few crocodile tears, and accusing the other manapes of bullying him. Princes Desiree stalks off for all of one minute before returning and telling Marionette Face that she’ll deal with him later, instead of ordering him to PACK HIS BAGS and GO BACK TO CHICAGO and SLEEP ON FAMILY FIRST’S TALL LADY YACHT.
And so Marionette walks into the hotel room, where all the other manapes are busily gossiping about his demise, and is all, “GOODNIGHT, SIRS,” before exiting behind the curtain and going to bed. BURN.
The next morning, Nipples Jr. prepares for his 1-on-1 date with Princess Desiree, and decides that he is not going to let the dramaz interfere with his good times, man. He meets Princess Desiree in front of a church where she informs him that they will be doing the art on their date. Nipples Jr. and his overeager face make some sort of attempt at a joke? I think? about having to squint while drawing? Does he know how drawing works? I just don’t even know. They then go to an art studio where they sketch a fellow in a jaunty hat and then portraits of each other, in which Nipples Jr. makes Princess Desiree look like nothing more than the puppet from Saw.
The couple is then presented with a nude male model who inspires Nipples Jr. to also derobe, because giving Nipples Jr. an actual reason to take off his shirt was the entire point of this date, obviously.
That evening, they are lowered into a cava for dinner and no one has the forethought TO SHUT AND LOCK THE DOOR, SHOW OVER. Instead, they eat and talk about their parents and how they are so unique because they want to “travel” and “see the world” and they kiss and Princess Desiree gives him the date rose boring boring so boring the end.
Back at the hotel, Marionette Face’s teensy lizard brain comes up with a plan. Realizing that Drew, Who is Still Not Brandon is the other witness to his d-baggery, and that Drew, Not Brandon is trustworthy and has Princess Desiree’s ear, his only hope is to make Drew, Not Brandon second-guess himself and what he heard. And so Marionette Face explains, it was all a misunderstanding! Marionette Face was just thinking about the future! Marionette Face was just being realistic! What’s wrong with being honest with oneself about the possibility that one might be eliminated, and therefore making plans to party on yachts with tall ladies? It’s just about being prepared, come on! Drew, Not Brandon, is not convinced, however, and stares at Marionette Face incredulously until Marionette Face demands that Drew, Not Brandon “stop yelling.” MARIONETTE FACE WAS JUST PLANNING HIS FUTURE, DUDE.
The next morning, the men all squeeze into a living area and wait for Princess Desiree to once again arrive and cast down her judgment upon Marionette Face. This time she’ll certainly have him pack his strings and go home, right? I mean, she talking heads about how she made up her mind that morning to send him home, so SHE HAS TO, RIGHT? RIGHT?
But instead, as the other men watch from the balcony, Princess Desiree takes Marionette Face outside and he cries and cries and tells her that she’s a beautiful person and cries and Princess Desiree sends him back upstairs because The Producers are making her wait until the rose ceremony to send him home and cries about how she resents the other manapes for telling her what Marionette Face said in the first place. Good projection, lady!
Marionette Face returns upstairs where we have literally the fifth iteration of this same conversation in this episode. BREAKING NEWS: Marionette Face asserts that he was just being realistic about his future; the other manapes insist he was being offensive to Princess Desiree.
ENOUGH. ENOUGH OF THIS CONVERGUMENT. WE ARE DONE HERE. NO MORE. EVERYONE IS DONE. CÁLLATE. ¡CÁLLATE!
Finally, rose ceremony, no cocktail party. Princess Desiree makes a stop at the Glamour disparos alcoba de la contemplación, and acts like she’s conflicted about possibly eliminating Marionette Face, but come on.
Chris Harrison orders the manherd to line up, it’s time to cut 3 (!) of them.
Rose #1: Big Pun
Rose #2: Mumbles
Rose #3: Wilford Brimley
¡PERO! ¡PERO! ¡EL ZORRO AUNQUE! Seriously, you’re going to choose “We’ll never get old and we’ll never die,” over El Zorro, Princess Desiree? Are you sure? Have you looked at them? I mean their faces? Have you looked at their faces? ¡Ay, Dios mío!
But, desgraciadamente, here we are. Hashtag D-Bag, pack your d-bags. Marionette Face, quit whining about being bullied. Y El Zorro, llámame. Te pongo al día con mi hermana.
Princess Desiree toasts the remaining waxed manapes and announces that they will be heading to Madeira, which I wouldn’t normally mention, except that it leads into previews for the remainder of the season in which everyone runs around sobbing and kicking things and exclaiming that “THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE” and threatening to shut the whole thing down and what is happening here? What even is that preview? Why is everyone so unhinged? Did all of their dogs die? Did The Producers kill all of their dogs? What is wrong with these people? HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THE NEXT MONTH? Oh, Lord, Box Wine me strength.
Great to be back! Except not at all!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.