UPDATED: ‘The Bachelor’: The Thais that break

The Bachelor
February 25, 2013

UPDATED

Pack your sarongs and nipple wax, we’re going to Thailand. This week is all about the dreaded fantasy suites, and we all know what happens in the dreaded fantasy suites.

OR DO WE?

Because I take my job as a Bachelor blogger Very Seriously and feel as though I have to do Research, I sacrificed my dignity last week and bought an Us Weekly at my local grocery store where I could have been seen by people I know. It was the issue with Dallas Sean on the cover, branded with the alarming headline: “The VIRGIN Bachelor.” Do what now? He’s a virgin? Are you sure? Do you know what that word means, Us Weekly?

“Though Us can confirm that the 6-foot-3 former fitness model is engaged to one of the final four contestants on the ABC reality hit (Mondays, 7 p.m.), the devout Christian, 29, and his bride-to-be are abstaining from sex until they swap I do’s.”

Alright, so he wants to wait until he gets married. You know that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a virgin, right, Us Weekly?

“‘Sean doesn’t want to have sex until he’s married,’ a show source says.”

Yes, got that, go on …

“Though Lowe did have sex in college, he embraced religion in his twenties and no longer believes in premarital relations.”

Ah. There it is. Tell me more about how one could have sex and still be a virgin.

“‘He’s a “born-again virgin,”‘ continues the source. ‘It’s very important to him.'”

Of course it is. Look, I don’t want to step on anyone’s beliefs or insult a deeply personal and religious choice that Dallas Sean has made, but you can’t just go around calling yourself a “virgin” if you have had sex! That is not how that works! I respect your decision to abstain from sex, and everyone is entitled to decide that a choice they made in their past was a mistake and consciously choose to not make that same mistake again, but once you’ve done something, you can’t undo it and pretend that you haven’t done it, and go around proclaiming that you are in that category of people who have not done that thing. And really, this is directed more at Us Weekly than it is at Dallas Sean, who to his credit is trying to do something that is in its own way respectable. But don’t go around slapping the word “VIRGIN!!!!” in giant bold letters on people who are not actually virgins just to sell magazines. Come on now.

Also, just so we’re clear, you’re not actually a virgin, Dallas Sean. That’s just not how that works. You can’t put that cork back in the bottle.

And also please know this: it’s difficult to take one’s “born-again virginity” terribly seriously when one is constantly being filmed rubbing one’s waxed nipples in the shower whilst porn music plays.

So, Thailand, born-again virgin suites, let’s do this thing.

Dallas Sean will be fully pantsedly and chastely sitting next to the three remaining ladies in a place called “Si Kao, Thailand” which makes me giggle the entire evening because this:

“I’ve got a question for the sea pig…”

Dallas Sean wanders around Sea Cow in a tank top, wistfully montaging the remaining women:

New Age Girl is nerdy and funny and silly and apparently has a fetish for climbing atop Dallas Sean’s back while he does push-ups. (How have I never noticed this before? She literally does it in every scene with him: riding his back on the beach, riding his back in the snow, riding his back in her living room while her grandmother watches. I suppose this is how you work out your kinks when you can’t take off your pants?)

Aschlay is intense and emotional and MY GOD DOES SHE EVER QUIT CRYING?

Presumptuous is crazy and crazy and crazy. (Dallas Sean literally — I counted — used the word “crazy” 4 times in his Presumptuous montaging.)

This decision is so hard for Dallas Sean! It is so hard he must take off his tank top and get into this pool to help him think about it some more. THINK, NIPPLES, THINK.

Dallas Sean’s first date is with Presumptuous, who explains to us that she hasn’t told Dallas Sean that she loves him yet, she’s just too scared of being hurt. WAIT. STOP. WHAT? Why is it that Scarlett O’Hara was sent back to Tara for not telling Dallas Sean that she loved him, but this nutjob with a David’s Bridal account was kept around? Oh, she told him she was “falling in love” with him, which is “I love you” lite? Fine, I’ll accept that, but then I want someone to explain to me why we’re turning this whole WILL SHE or WON’T SHE tell him that she loves him into a whole narrative if she has already essentially told him that she loves him?

WHATEVER. GET INTO THE SAMLO, WE HAVE TO GO EAT SOME BUGS. Dallas Sean and Presumptuous head to a market, and Dallas Sean is remarkably affectionate and comfortable with her, kissing her repeatedly on the ride there. They wander around the market for a while, looking at baby chickens that have been dyed bight orange and green for some reason (laffs) and burbling about how this would be just like their life back at home going grocery shopping. Yep! Exactly the same! Good comparison! Dallas Sean then explains that Presumptuous told him that she would try any food but bugs, and therefore he is going to make her eat bugs because this is a healthy relationship and all boundaries are respected. So Dallas Sean brings Presumptuous to the bug vendor where they eat shish kabobed grubs and deep-fried crickets and Presumptuous manages to not throw up all over Dallas Sean’s flip flops. Somehow. (And what have I been telling you girls all along? Leave the line “Worst Fears” blank on your Bachelor applications, because I GUARANTEE YOU The Producers will make you do whatever it is you fill in there. Or better yet, put something that you love down on that line: back massages, eating chocolate, being covered in puppies. You’re welcome, future contestants.)

Dallas Sean and Presumptuous then go to a monkey beach, as in a beach that is covered in monkeys, and they have to defend themselves from the monkeys by hurling grapes at them and then fleeing into the ocean. BE GONE MONKEYS! TAKE THE GRAPES AND LET US BE!

They then have dinner beneath what are described as “traditional Thai floats,” but I don’t know what that means. What are they used for? Are they boats? Parade floats? What are they used for? Does Thailand celebrate Mardi Gras? CONFUSED. But The Bachelor is not about cultural exploration as much as it is about using foreign lands as elaborate sets, so I suppose we’ll never know. (Unless I spent five minutes on google, but who has time for that.) And they eat the dinner and they think about those damn monkeys and the bright pink baby chicks and just as Presumptuous is about to tell Dallas Sean she loves him, The Producers release a bunch of Thai dancers who then perform a traditional dance for the couple. Dallas Sean and Presumptuous do not throw grapes at the dancers.

That bit of prop business taken care of, Dallas Sean presents Presumptuous with the Fantasy Suite invitation and she’s like YEP. NOW. LET’S DO THIS.

But put your pants back on, Presumptuous, and let me read you a little something from a highly respected periodical:

“By the time Lowe whittled the women down to his final three, these potential wives were eager to pass first base. ‘They were ready!’ says the insider. And they hung their hopes on the fantasy suite dates, the first time the Bachelor can spend a night alone with each of the ladies sans cameras.”

Yes, go on.

“But instead of seducing them, Sean revealed his idea of a fantasy: waiting until marriage.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Indeed.

So, don’t bother awkwardly mumbling that you love Dallas Sean, Presumptuous; the most that will get you is a promise ring and a handshake in the morning. Have fun!

Dallas Sean’s next date is with ashliee, who has been screaming that she loves Dallas Sean during the brief respites from the hysterical sobbing jags. The two are put in a boat and taken to an island? I guess? That has a cave at the bottom of it? And they are told to swim for it? Ash£ee, whose abandonment issues have somehow morphed into control issues and a mess of generalized anxiety, begins to panic. But after yammering about how swimming into a pitch black cave in the middle of the Andaman sea is just like being in a relationship, she climbs atop Dallas Sean’s back and they dog paddle their way into the cave. Splashing around in the dark, splashing around in the dark, splashing around in the dark, and then suddenly they come upon an exit that opens into a tiny private little grotto. THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING, azlea explains. THIS IS A METAPHOR FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. LIKE MITHRAS, I HAVE BEEN BORN FROM THE ROCK, AND I EMERGE FROM THE CAVE ANEW.

So then they have dinner in this little pagoda on the beach, which I have to say is a far cry from the LED-covered floats and flowers made from flower petals and Thai dancers with long fingernails that Presumptuous was treated to. After some painfully awkward conversation about why they are still single at their advanced ages (29, 32) (or, rather, why some of them are single again, uhShli), Dallas Sean is clearly not connecting with Ahshuhley. This doesn’t stop him from handing her the “let’s just cuddle” suite invitation, and AschuhLii wrings her hands and pulls her hair and worries that he is going to think that if she accepts, that she’s THAT type of woman, before being like, YEP, LET’S GO.

But you needn’t have worried so much, Pastor’s Daughter. Let me read you another passage:

“‘The women didn’t see it [the no sex-having] coming. They were disappointed,’ says the insider.”

See! All that fuss and hand-wringing was for naught, augiehSley! Hope you enjoyed your evening of hand-holding and hot chocolate!

Finally, New Age Girl has her date with Dallas Sean, which consists entirely of them riding around on a boat and snorkeling. No eating bugs, no swimming through dark caves, just sitting on a boat. This doesn’t seem fair at all, nor does it give me much to write about. Why aren’t they skydiving? Or snake-handling? Or eating a plate of curry that is Thai-hot? Something, anything would be more interesting than watching the two of them sit on a boat and talk about how New Age Girl can be serious sometimes.

When I wake back up, they are eating dinner in what appears to be a breezeway at the hotel, and New Age Girl is talking about be married to Dallas Sean in five years and having his blond, beabbed babies. Dallas Sean then offers New Age Girl the “8th Grade Slow Dance” suite card, and she makes a bunch of mewling noises about how she may seem like this free spirit and wild girl who upon meeting him made a joke about how much she loves fellatio, but it’s important that Dallas Sean know that in a lot of ways she’s very traditional. And then she’s like, WHO AM I KIDDING? COME ON, LET’S GO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.

Not that you needed to worry about those “traditional values” New Age Girl:

“‘But they [the women] understood Sean’s decision and respected him for it. They realized how important celibacy is to him.'”

So you see! Rolling around half naked in the hot tub with Sean on your overnight date was just how you and your traditional values were honoring Sean’s celibacy. Well done.

And then Chris Harrison tries to make us watch a trailer for that new Oz movie but, NO, SIR. NO. STOP IT. TAKE YOUR SHAMELESS SHILLING AND LEAVE.

Dallas Sean’s waxed nipples wake up the next morning knowing who they are going to send home, and they are Very Sad About This. Dallas Sean recalls how he was sent home at this stage of the game by St. Emily, and how blindsided he (and he alone) was by the ordeal. And while these are two simple points that are fully fleshed out in the short while that he spends staring at his waxed nipples in the bathroom mirror, we have to fill these two hours somehow, so he meets with Chris Harrison to talk and talk and talk and talk and say absolutely nothing new. Dallas Sean knows who he is sending home. Dallas Sean remembers how it felt to be sent home and how it made him have a sad.

So Dallas Sean stands in front of the traveling Glamour Shot Alcove of Contemplation, before moving on to the video messages each woman taped for him. Presumptuous reminds him that she was wearing a wedding dress when she met him, and adds that maybe she’ll be wearing one for him again soon. New Age Girl notes that there’s more to him than just his waxy nipples. And AschuhliE sobs hysterically about how she was broken before she met him, but that he made her whole again. YIKES. While Dallas Sean watches this video, he thinks hard about throwing those crickets up because YIKES.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison escorts each woman in while Dallas Sean yammers about how hard it’s going to be to send this woman home not in small part because she’s clearly an emotional wreck who can’t get through taping a little video message without having a full core reactor meltdown.

BUT SEND HER HOME YOU MUST. GET ON WITH IT, DALLAS SEAN.

Rose #1 Presumptuous

And then Dallas Sean takes the longest pause of all of our lives. Entire species evolve and become extinct. New continents are formed. Stars are born and then die and become supernovas and then collapse into black holes.

 

Rose #2 New Age Girl

And aShLΕh, sweet, sweet fragile Oughchlii, shockingly there are no tears. Just this:

Dallas Sean attempts to walk her to the spinster samlo, but Ä∫hL∑e is NOT HAVING IT, and orders him to just stay where he is. But you have to let Dallas Sean absolve himself of his guilt for leading you on and dragging you to Asia only to send you on a 27 hour-long flight home, alone! This is important to Dallas Sean! He needs his closure!

Instead he gets a samlo door slammed in his face, and he goes and sits on the hotel fountain, giant blond head in hands while New Age Girl and Presumptuous stare and are like, Um, so, can we go back to our rooms? Or, like, are we supposed to stand here and look at him? What’s our role here?

Meanwhile in the old lady samlo, assshli still doesn’t cry but instead glares that THIS WAS NOT A SILLY GAME WITH HER and NOT A JOY RIDE. Finally, hiding her face behind her hair because suddenly now she’s embarrassed to cry in front on camera? AshLee quietly, piteously sobs all the way back to Houston.

Welcome home, honey. So when does filming for The Bachelorette begin?

ORIGINAL POST

This is going to be brief, and I implore you to check back in right here tomorrow morning (mid-morning. FINE, AFTERNOON) for the full recap of tonight’s events. But for those of you who just have to know who from the final three were sent home tonight, join me after the jump:

Houston, problem, etc.

After many tears — some shed long before she met The Bachelor, Dallas businessman Sean Lowe, and after much worrying about how her reputation would suffer if she spent the night with Sean in the fantasy suite (and then throwing all that caution directly into to the warm Thai wind), Houston’s own AshLee was sent home in a relatively tearless goodbye.

AshLee was a foster child for the first 4 (or 6, it’s kind of unclear) years of her life until she as adopted by a kindly pastor and his wife, a story that seemed to color all of her interactions with The Bachelor on their dates. Ashlee, who seemed like a very sweet, gentle soul, nevertheless had a number of abandonment issues, all of which she seemed to be working out on camera. Despite her emotional fragility, Sean kept AshLee around for the long haul, even coming here to the Greater Houston area to meet her family.

The two appeared to have forged a strong bond; so much so that Ashlee managed to make it to the final three and traveled to Thailand for tonight’s penultimate episode of The Bachelor. However, during the Thailand dates, it became evident to everyone but poor AshLee that Sean was making much deeper emotional connections with the other two women: Lindsey (who arrived at The Bachelor mansion wearing a wedding dress) and Catherine, a graphic designer from Seattle who seems to have fairly little in common with our Texas Bachelor.

Despite a final tearful video plea from AshLee, in which she told Sean that she believed that they made each other whole, Sean was resolute in his decision to send AshLee back to Houston and her personal organizing business.

Better luck next time, AshLee! We were all rooting for you!

Check back in tomorrow for the full play-by-play of Sean’s pecs in this episode. Until then!

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.