Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Drop Dead Gorgas”
May 23, 2011
Oh, my little cannolis. Mi dispiace that this is so late. Between the upfronts and the summer television season and the finales of two of the biggest shows on television and the retirement of a television icon, I’ve been un occupato poco. I’m sure you understand.
However, this does give us the opportunity to discuss what you can and should expect from your blogger. The thing is, Dr. Tube Socks and The Real Housewives of New Jersey happen to air on the same night, and guess who pays the bills around here? (Hint: Teresa is bankrupt.) And since Bobby isn’t coming back — he’s just not — unfortunately for all 12 of you fans of la donne de New Jersey, you are always going to have to wait for a day or two for Tubular’s recap. Always. Hopefully in the future it won’t take me as long to post as it did this week, but I’m not going to swear to anything. Mi scusi.
So if you’re looking for more prompt entries, I recommend you go here, here or here. It’s tutto bene. No hard feelings, promise. As for the rest of you, go grab a Malibu Beach Breeze and let’s do this thing.
SO. THE CHRISTENING. THAT WAS CRAZY, RIGHT? With the fighting and the screaming and the fighting and the table punching and the crazy and the fighting? It was so crazy that we are going to spend this entire episode talking about it, and nothing else. Nothing. Not a thing.
Jacqueline, Caroline and Teresa and some random strangers who don’t really matter, not really, get together to carve pumpkins for Halloween and rehash the fight at the christening. In Teresa’s version of the events, her brother, Folletto, unexpectedly exploded at her when she congratulated him and his terrible, terrible wife. Which, at least according to the events as they were edited and presented, is fairly accurate. Meatball became inflamed when Folletto called his wife “garbage” (OK, sure) and then when Folletto began beating the table with his fist (wait, what?).
The women wring their hands over the children and where they were during all of this vodka-fueled insanity, and Teresa doesn’t want to think about that, because she doesn’t have an actual answer. Caroline gently asks if Teresa has spoken to her brother since all of this happened, and, uh, no. Because 1. Teresa doesn’t want to start World War 3, 2. Teresa can’t just go over to Folletto’s house because Melissa lives there, duh and 3. Who needs it.
However, the other ladies find this unacceptable because the Posche fashion show is coming up in a couple days, which Teresa will be in and Melissa has been invited to and what then? Well? Teresa and Melissa might have to speak to one another. WHAT THEN?
Kathy and Rich have invited Folletto and Melissa to their house for dinner and an opportunity to present their version of the christening fiasco to the jury cameras. Which boils down to: LOOK. Maybe Folletto had too much to drink. We all agree that was the case. But Teresa had the audacity to dance with the baby. At the christening. She danced with him. Furthermore, Teresa didn’t even speak to the Follettos at Baby Baccala’s christening. And as if all that wasn’t enough, which it obviously is, Teresa looked into Folletto’s crazydrunk eyes and she should have known to just walk away. Case closed!
Folletto starts up again about how Meatball has been poisoning his father against him, making comments like, “Boy, that Folletto, he sure does work hard,” and other hateful things. And then everyone agrees that the tension between the siblings is because Teresa loves her brother too much and has put him on a pedestal. Good analyzing, everyone! That makes so much sense!
Melissa and Kathy shop at Posche, where they meet the Kims (D & G), try on sleeveless fur vests, and Kim D invites Melissa to be in the fashion show in a completely organic and spontaneous moment that was absolutely not manufactured by the producers.
Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, has set up a “make-up bar” at a local salon. This is very boring.
Melissa goes trick-or-treating with her family. This is very boring.
Teresa has a Halloween party for her kids. This is very boring.
Melissa and Folletto put on their own costumes (Catwoman and Snooki, respectively) so as to go to Club 4Sixty6, which we are assured is a very hot club in Northern New Jersey (P. Diddy Puff Carter once was there! Maybe!), with Kathy, Rich and the Kims. And somehow, despite the drag and the potential for some fist pumping, and the Kims attempting to stir up trouble, this is very boring.
BUT WE STILL HAVE THE FASHION SHOW. Which, considering how much energy has been expended worrying about it, has to be good. Something has to happen, right? RIGHT?
The Posche fashion show is held at the Manzo’s Brownstone, which explains why Caroline is so worried about Teresa and Melissa and the very real potential for weave-snatching/table-throwing/legal shenanigans. Fair enough. But she needn’t worry because nothing happens.
The ladies all arrive and prep for the show and Melissa and Teresa say hello and pretend that nothing is wrong and then worry over how the other one should apologize first but no one does and NOTHING HAPPENS.
And then they go out to the tables where they maybe eat dinner or something which doesn’t seem like the order in which events should happen and everyone is wearing sleeveless fur vests because that is both classy and tasteful and Caroline tells Teresa that she needs to quit saying that Kim G is old because she’s not that much older than Caroline and NOTHING HAPPENS.
The “models” are then called backstage to get dressed for the “fashion show.” Jacqueline goes down the runway first and looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Melissa then goes down the runway — twice, because why not — whilst in the audience, Kim G howls like a wounded animal and high-fives everyone around her. And then Teresa takes to the runway, but her heart just isn’t in it, and she radiates sadness and anxiety and even Kim G who had been contemplating booing her, doesn’t, and NOTHING HAPPENS.
But then! Backstage! Something sorta happens! Kathy asks to speak to Teresa about the christening, and Teresa explains that her brother acted like an animal, and that whatever happened was his fault, so maybe Kathy should save her judgment for him, etc. But! Then! Kathy suggests that she had to step in and take care of Baby Baccala because Teresa went missing during the fracas, and THAT’S IT. THAT IS ABASTA. How dare Kathy imply that Teresa is a terrible mother? HOW DARE SHE? And there it is. There’s the screaming and carrying on and crazyeyes. But before any weaves can be torn or cops can be called, Caroline steps in and sends everyone home because she doesn’t need a friggin’ lawsuit. HEY. WAY TO RUIN THE PRODUCERS’ EVERYONE’S FUN, MANZO. MARONE.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on Bravo and will always be blogged sometime after The Bachelorette, unless or until The Real Housewives of New Jersey is moved to another night. Capiche?
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.
This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.