The Real Housewives of New York
“Divided, They Summer”
March 6, 2019
Welcome back to The Real Housewives of New York City, and I regret to inform you, darlings, it’s been an eventful — and not in a good way — summer for our Housewives.
The Countess tried to sell her children’s house in the Hamptons out from under them so that she could buy a place upstate only to have her kids and her ex-husband sue her ass because NO MA’AM, THE COUNT BOUGHT THAT HOUSE FOR THE KIDS. This sent The Countess into a tailspin that knocked her right off the wagon, forcing Bethenny and that Barbara woman who, way back before the wedding, confided on microphone to Princess Carole that she didn’t think The Countess and That Shitbird Tom were going to work out and that The Countess was just getting married because she felt she had to, to perform an intervention. The Countess is sober again and has been for 50+ days.
As for Bethenny, her sorta-boyfriend with questionable taste in sweaters, Dennis, sadly and unexpectedly passed away last summer. Bethenny skirts around the hows and the whys in her interview, instead insisting that it doesn’t matter, just as it doesn’t matter if he loved her and it doesn’t matter if he wanted to marry her, all that matters now is that he’s dead. That’s the only thing that is real. (But for those of you who watch this show but somehow missed this story last summer, the cause of death was ruled undetermined as no autopsy was performed. Authorities believe it was an overdose.)
From my rudimentary Real Housewives math, the show usually begins filming around labor day, and Dennis died on August 10, so we are only about a month out from this shocking development — which, I dunno, but maybe TOO SOON? Bethenny is at her Hamptons house, surrounded by people we’ve never met before, and she’s dealing with her grief by telling grim stories about how she and her daughter separately texted dead Dennis’ phone to tell him that they missed him. FUN.
As for Dorinda, she’s spent the summer exercising and hiding from everyone in the Berkshires where she knew no one would come looking for her.
Tinsley hung out in Chicago with Scott, that boyfriend of hers, who is never going to marry her.
Sonja moved out of the townhouse and into a teensy apartment on Columbus Circle which probably still costs three times my mortgage.
And Ramona … I don’t know what Ramona has been up to. Thinking about but not quite putting her Manhattan apartment on the market?
But let’s return to Dorinda. She meets some friend for a walk around the park because she’s into exercise now, or whatever, and she notes that she’s cut back on drinking because nothing good happens when she’s had “a couple of drinks.”
Friend asks her if this is based on something “someone” else said, and Dorinda huffs that no one said that (I mean aside from Bethenny and The Countess) before begrudgingly admitting that The Countess may have suggested that, but that she only did so to deflect attention from her own drinking issues. Dorinda then gives us a helpful recap of The Countess’ life over the past few years: she made the “erratic” decision to get married, then divorced, then arrested, assaulted a police officer, went to rehab, came out and started drinking again, before heading back to rehab.
Dorinda “wishes her well …”
… before noting that it’s not healthy for her to be around The Countess.
Later, Dorinda meets Tinsley for some high-priced swimsuit shopping ahead of their weekend trip out to the Hamptons and to discuss how Tinsley spent the summer pretending to be married to Scott; to reiterate the business about how she has not spoken to The Countess; to discuss Bethenny’s tragedy and how aside from sending sympathy messages to her immediately after the news broke, neither of them have actually reached out to her in a significant way. Dorinda reveals something interesting, however, when she defends not actively reaching out to Bethenny when she explains that when she was grieving Richard, she only wanted those closest to her around her — thus revealing that none of these bitches are actually close.
Then Dorinda explains that she’s extra tan this summer because a DNA test revealed that she’s part Moroccan — which is not how that works — and Tinsley wonders if learning this has given her a different personality in the bedroom. AND WITH THAT I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP WITH THE EXOTICSIZING ALREADY. GO READ SOME EDWARD SAID AND THEN TURN IN A BOOK REPORT ABOUT WHAT YOU LEARNED.
Elsewhere, Sonja shows off her new apartment to Ramona who tries but fails to cover her sneering contempt for Sonja’s cupboard-sized space and her plans to paint the living room pink. Personally, I think the pink is going to be FABULOUS and Ramona needs to shut the fuck up with her boring taupe and white monochrome-scheme face. They also briefly talk about how neither of them has really reached out to Bethenny about Dennis’ death aside from a text. And maybe that is actually what Bethenny would prefer, but I have to say, it comes off pretty shitty on the entire cast’s part, especially when Ramona needlessly adds that Bethenny doesn’t have many close friends. With friends like these, amirite?
Later, Sonja has her most recent intern-assistant, the endlessly put-upon Taylor, bring her breakfast in bed (all while loudly complaining that Taylor is taking TOO LONG in bringing her the breakfast in bed) before making Taylor help her hang towels in lieu of curtains so that the restaurant patrons across the street can’t peer into her bedroom. Sonja helpfully points out that the towels are monogrammed lest you think this is anything less than classy.
We have reached Peak Sonja.
And then we’re off to the Hamptons for the remainder of the episode. Tinsley and Sonja drive to the Hamptons in Scott’s Bentley SUV that he had shipped to Tinsley from Chicago — and all those words put together in that sentence makes me hate everyone involved. Tinsley, I’m sure it will surprise you, is a terrible driver who does not know what she is doing.
At her Hamptons home, Ramona has a swimming lesson with a new Russian instructor, Boris, whom she all but sexually molests.
Later, Dorinda arrives at Ramona’s bearing a gift: a candle gift-wrapped in a tote bag from The Countess’ wedding. Over a bowl of what Ramona pronounces as “guacamola …”
… Ramona and Dorinda chat about the prospect of Dorinda having to finally see The Countess after five months, one rehab stint and about 30 pounds later. Dorinda, confessing that she’s anxious about finally confronting The Countess, begins to cry and the two women agree that The Countess is sanctimonious and defensive (both true) and wants Dorinda to “bend the knee.” But before that’s going to happen, Dorinda is going to need more “guacamola.”
Meanwhile, The Countess and this Barbara woman — who is not a Housewife in the technical sense, but is receiving the Housewife Friend package — go over to Bethenny’s armed with a pie and a tool kit, which is Barbara’s business? She makes tool kits for women? Because women need special tools?
I mean, actually, yes, women do need actual tools specially designed for them because their hands are smaller and most if not all tools are designed for the average man-sized hand. If you want to be FUCKING OUTRAGED about how the world is literally designed for men and how it literally kills women, may I suggest you read this article, but not without a woman-sized glass of all of the booze to drink because you will need it.
But from what I can tell about Barbara’s tool kits, the only thing that makes them “for women” is that they come in pink.
BUT I DIGRESS.
The point is, the women go to Bethenny’s who warns them that she’s having the feels because right before they walked in, Dennis’ daughter sent her a picture of him and now she’s all emotional and on the verge of tears and she needs them to not freak out if she starts freaking out. In response, The Countess aggressively tosses the salad, and that is not a euphemism.
Outside, The Countess vents her anger at Ramona for saying at the reunion that she had been thrown out of some person’s party when WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS she left on her own — sober — volition when she decided there was too much drinking going on. Barbara seconds this account before explaining that she knows Ramona, though Ramona tries to pretend she doesn’t know Barbara. There was the time they were all out dancing and Ramona glared at Barbara before asking The Countess, “Why is SHE here?” Since then, Ramona has pretended to not have any idea who Barbara is every time she meets her which is fairly often.
Look, Ramona is gonna Ramona.
The Countess then declares that Dorinda is the person she REALLY has the problem with, claiming that Dorinda’s anger and resentment towards The Countess is really about her anger and resentment towards herself. Profound. And exactly what Dorinda is saying about The Countess. The Countess reveals that Dorinda still hasn’t reached out to her or apologized for:
… but that she knows that Dorinda in the Hamptons this weekend, staying with Ramona.
To that end, Barbara announces she’s having a clambake and has invited Dorinda, having been friends with her, too, for forever. However, Bethenny urges her to de-invite Dorinda, for The Countess’ own sobriety. Yeah, that should go over well because when has de-inviting someone from a Real Housewives event ever gone badly?
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.