‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Giving credit where (producing) credit is due.

The Real Housewives of New York
Reunion, Part 3
September 14, 2016

We begin the third and final part of the reunion with a montage about Sonja and how all those other bitches excluded her time and time again this season for no good reason. Oh, does Sonja drink too much and does she sometimes forget to put on underwear and does she try to claim that she’s a burlesque performer and does she maybe sleep with 23-year-olds?

YOU KNOW WHAT? GOOD FOR HER.

As for her abstaining from drinking, Sonja explains that it was really no big deal: she actually takes a break from drinking right before New Years every year, and picks it back up again once she’s back from Phuket in March, just in time to go to San Tropez in July, you know, like everyone. That’s just a sensible drinking/traveling calender. And anyway, she was never an alcoholic: she continues to have a sip of wine here and there, it’s no big deal and it never was. The ladies then applaud her for pulling her life out of the tailspin it was in and all insist that she looks better than she ever has.

A viewer asks Bethenny if she thought she was too harsh with Sonja at their meeting regarding the whole Tipsy Girl fiasco, and Bethenny is like, “Uh, yeah, I was awful. Duh.” Sonja comes to Bethenny’s defense, saying that she knew Bethenny was just venting, causing Dorinda to yell at Sonja and Bethenny that they’re delusional, and that Bethenny was horrible to Sonja … which Bethenny herself literally just admitted.

Sonja then reveals that Ramona was originally approached by that Peter guy to do Tipsy Girl, a twist that was never explored in the show itself. Peter and Ramona were friends first, after all, and like some cast members’ romantic partners, ~cough~, clearly sees the Real Housewives as a financial opportunity ready to be mined. Ramona shrugs that yeah, That Peter Guy did come to her with the Tipsy Girl idea, but she didn’t act on it because it was obviously too close to SkinnyGirl for comfort.

Exactly no part of this is surprising in the least.

A viewer asks Dorinda if she thought inviting Bethenny to the Berkshires and excluding Sonja didn’t send the message that she valued Bethenny’s friendship more. Dorinda’s defense: Well, it was going to be a three-day trip, so thank God she changed it, RIGHT? CAN SHE GET AN AMEN UP IN HERE? This is not an actual answer to the question posed, so she starts trying to claim that she “sensed a storm was coming” and that she stands by her decision to not invite Sonja.

And then in what can only be described as Trumpian logic, Dorinda and Ramona try to take credit for Sonja cleaning up her act. Had they not excluded her, who knows where Sonja would be!

Sonja, for her part, does not thank them for their generosity, and angrily insists that friends don’t exclude friends. As Sonja becomes more and more worked up about how Dorinda hurt her feelings, Bethenny begins screaming at SONJA that it was ONE NIGHT and she is BEING PSYCHOTIC and she needs to REEL IT IN. All of which is true! But you know what never calms down an upset person? Yelling at them to calm down. That’s just science.

Sonja then half-heartedly stomps off of the couch because SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS SHOW, DORINDA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HER FEELINGS AT ALL. Andy Cohen urges Sonja to sit back down — and she does, but not before hissing at Dorinda to “stop using me as your story,” which is possibly the harshest of all Real Housewives‘ burns.

We then have to endure a pre-Tom-the-Fiancé-Reveal Florida Trip montage. Andy Cohen asks The Countess if she was ever concerned about inviting two women who had dated Tom the Fiancé to their engagement party, a question that The Countess laughs off as preposterous. She never thought twice about it, Andy Cohen! They are both friends with their exes, Andy Cohen! Why, her petit garcon français and The Count will both be attending her wedding, so what does she care, Andy Cohen?

Andy Cohen then asks Sonja about her comments comparing The Countess’ friend’s yacht to her ex-husband’s Puff Daddy yacht, and the nasty things she said about The Countess’ engagement ring; and Sonja is immediately penitent. She apologizes for being ugly before tottering over to The Countess to give her an unenthusiastic hug.

Andy Cohen asks Bethenny about calling Dorinda the “village idiot” when she was optimistic about The Countess’ and Tom the Fiancé’s relationship. Bethenny’s reply: “opinions are like assholes, we all have them.” Dorinda, not incorrectly, points out that not having all the information available is not exactly the same thing as being an idiot. And this is a good point! Which Dorinda immediately loses when she starts arguing the semantics of the expression “village idiot.”

Andy Cohen then reminds Jules that she said that Princess Carole was “more fun” when she wasn’t around Bethenny, and Jules shrugs that she just is — when Bethenny isn’t around, Her Highness’ personality isn’t “overshadowed” and she acts very differently. Our Prairie Princess huffs that this just isn’t true. (It kinda is, though.)

Andy Cohen asks Ramona why she wasn’t forthcoming with Dorinda about wanting to go to Bagatelle, and Ramona just shrugs that she didn’t want to fight.

Andy Cohen then asks Bethenny what she meant when she said that Dorinda “browbeats” her friends, which leads to both women accusing each other of “browbeating” people.

Finally we are given what we all came here for: Bethenny’s revelation that Tom the Fiancé cheated on The Countess.

Andy Cohen begins by asking Bethenny how she came to be in possession of the photos, how does this “just happen,” are they living in Pine Valley where everyone knows everyone else? (And high five for that All My Children reference, Andy Cohen.) BUT YES, HOW DID YOU COME INTO POSSESSION OF THOSE PHOTOS, BETHENNY, BECAUSE I’VE HEARD SOME VERY INTERESTING THEORIES.

Bethenny claims that the night this all happened, she was woken up at 2 in the morning to a text message containing these pictures from someone “who knew all the parties involved,” and who was shocked at “what a sham” Tom the Fiancé was.

Now, this isn’t exactly an answer to Andy Cohen’s question, but the actual truth is that Andy Cohen might not actually want the answer to be revealed on air. As it turns out,  there have been some unsubstantiated rumors floating around for a while now that Bethenny is an uncredited producer of the series. And the truth might be even crazier than that.

As the story goes, The Countess and Tom the Fiancé filmed scenes for RHONY at the Regency the night the photos were taken. After they were done, the couple had a fight, The Countess went home and Tom the Fiancé stayed and made out with the Ex. This all took place in full view of the production staff who had themselves stayed at the hotel for a round of drinks. Not sure how to get this onto the show, the producers texted the photos to Bethenny and asked her to show them to The Countess on camera. However, Bethenny demanded a production credit for next season in exchange for making the reveal. And in fact, the reason Bethenny didn’t make it to the yacht party was that she had stayed behind to negotiate this deal and confirm with the hotel that the pictures were real and taken when the producers said they were.

And THAT’S why she refuses to say who sent her the photos.

I mean, who knows if it’s true, but even if it’s not, it’s still a good story, right?

Anyway, Andy Cohen, not wanting to beleaguer this point, moves on, pointing out to The Countess that she was the one who said she and The Count had an open marriage. “I never said that,” The Countess flatly declares EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW SHE DID BECAUSE THEY RECORDED HER SAYING IT WITH THE CAMERAS AND THEN PLAYED IT ON THE TEEVEES.

The Countess, as she is wont to do, then backtracks, explaining that she didn’t choose to be in a non-monogamous relationship. Of course, that’s not what she said in the Berkshires, but whatever. Whatever! What. Ever.

Andy Cohen asks Bethenny why she didn’t tell The Countess about the photos before Ramona and Princess Carole, and Bethenny tries to explain that she was genuinely seeking advice as to whether or not this was something that The Countess would even want to know — and ultimately, The Countess did claim that she would rather have not known. The Countess replies that OF COURSE it was something she would want to know, but she would have rather have heard it from someone who was a dear friend who wouldn’t shared it with her in front of the entire world. Which is a fair point! Because, honestly, who would want to learn their fianceé had cheated on them from their frenemy ON NATIONAL TELEVISION? Exactly.

Andy Cohen then asks Bethenny why she asked The Countess if she was monogamous, and The Countess is all “YEAH, WHAT ABOUT THAT? I JUST GOT ENGAGED, OF COURSE WE’RE MONOGAMOUS.” Except, not? Except, clearly, not at all? Bethenny begins to get up to leave, but sits back down and tries to explain, reasonably, that if The Countess and Tom the Fiancé had some sort of “arrangement,” she wouldn’t have bothered showing her the pictures. In a way, in fact, Bethenny was hoping that the whole relationship wasn’t real because then The Countess wouldn’t be hurt by what Bethenny knew.

The Countess then rails against Bethenny for calling the hotel to confirm that it was Tom the Fiancé in the photo and that it was taken on the date alleged. “INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING!” The Countess fumes, while Andy Cohen and the other ladies point out that Bethenny just wanted to make sure of all the facts before giving her information that could have ended her engagement on national television. Because what The Countess is really mad about here is that Bethenny did her homework and didn’t leave Tom the Fiancé any wiggle room for some half-assed excuse or alibi that they could play on the show.

The Countess then admits that she was devastated by the photos, and that Tom the Fiancé’s excuse was that he was blind drunk. BUT SHE STILL WOULD HAVE RATHER HEARD IT FROM DORINDA.

Andy Cohen asks Dorinda to explain the call from Tom the Fiancé, and she pretty much repeats the story from earlier: he called, explained that he was going to bring waiters to her apartment to tell her what “really” happened, and pretty much demanded that she vouch for him to the other women.

Andy Cohen asks The Countess what exactly happened when she returned to New York, and she explains that Tom the Fiancé was sad and sorry and claimed he was drunk and they decided together to not allow this one night ruin their lives. Ramona asks The Countess if she would want to know if he did it again, and The Countess insists she would, despite saying in the finale that she wish she hadn’t known this time. She was still emotional, Andy Cohen. She was still in survival mode when she said all that, Andy Cohen.

The Countess then reveals that she had to tell her children and her parents and his parents and the whole thing was just mortifying BUT THEY ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED. NO ONE IS GOING TO STOP THEM NOW, DAMN IT. AND IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN, HER FRIENDS BETTER TELL HER.

“Are you sure?” asks Ramona.

Andy Cohen pauses to ask Ramona what, exactly, she’s getting at, but she’s coyly flutters her fake eyeslashes and claims that she knows nothing, Andy Cohen, she’s just asking questions.

A viewer asks The Countess if she’s really in love with Tom the Fiancé, or if she’s in love with the idea of being in love. The Countess replies that she’s completely in love with Tom the Fiancé: she loves his sense of humor, she loves that he loves sports, she loves that he’s social, she loves his mouth (gross), you know, all those things. Ramona wonders why The Countess only listed superficial qualities: why she didn’t say anything about Tom the Fiancé being warm or sensitive or generous, you know, something deeper. And Jules, bless her, tells Ramona to “just give [The Countess] a bone.” Indeed.

Andy Cohen then gives The Countess the last word on the subject, and The Countess admits that it was one of the roughest things she’s ever gone through in her life —  worse than even the dirty Johnny Depp impersonator incident. But she and Tom the Fiancé are not going to let a kiss ruin their life together, she knows their relationship is stronger than that.

As he winds up the reunion, Andy Cohen asks Bethenny and The Countess if there is any way forward for their friendship, and Bethenny is basically like, “After what she said here about my relationship? Yeah, I don’t think so.” The Countess tries to walk back all of the cheating accusations she made just hours earlier and apologize, but Bethenny is all, “Nope.”

Andy Cohen then weirdly asks some — but not all — of the women what they might have handled differently this season in hindsight.

Jules says she wish she hadn’t offended anyone at the dinner where she lost her damn mind.
Princess Carole says she wishes she could be more articulate with her feelings, and that she had sat down to hash things out with The Countess about the Viscount of Tofu.
Ramona replies that she regrets hurting Dorinda with the things she said about Fudgie.
The Countess replies that she wishes she’d never had the fight with Tom the Fiancé that ended with her going home and him groping some former Playmate.
And Bethenny says that she wishes she were less aggressive in certain situations.

But then Andy Cohen switches gears and asks Dorinda to say something positive about Sonja. Dorinda easily and sincerely replies that Sonja is the life of the party and makes the best out of any situation, adding that she’s sorry if she hurt Sonja’s feelings, it was never her intention.

Andy Cohen asks Sonja to say something nice about Bethenny, and Sonja says words. Something about a “basic friendship” which doesn’t actually mean anything, but OK.

Andy Cohen finally challenges Ramona to say something nice about The Countess, and Ramona answers by saying that The Countess seems to be happier than she’s ever been. So, good for her!

The Countess then wishes the rest of the ladies similar happiness which is perhaps the most backhanded blessing ever shared on this show.

Round Three: Sonja.

And with that, we are officially done with this season of The Real Housewives of New York City, darlings. Until next season, remember to keep the silverware out of your calzones, try to cut back on all the coke and be sure to take your drunk fiancés home with you.

Let’s all hug it out … except you, Bethenny.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo and presumably will return sometime next year (without Jules).